Being An Independent Woman, The Dating Game & Waiting To Be "Ready" | Chit Chat Grwm | Ula

Now let me tell you something: sis people are mad, everyone's mad, a lot of people here casual dating and they think. Ah, you are going to be having sex or nothing pants and uh fornication. I need to find a husband now today express look at the belt. Look at it wow, hello, beautiful people. Welcome back to my channel. I hope that you are all doing well. Today we are helping a sister who needs some advice. I am bringing back the advice segment of my channel. It used to be called ask courts, but under my last ask quartz somebody commented you should call this quartz case now, when i was growing up, i really for a hot minute, a small second under my parents, influence wanted to be a lawyer, and maybe that was Because this was ultimately what i was meant to be doing answering court cases so welcome to court's case, where i listen and answer your dilemmas. We do this segment onto my sisters, every episode. We answer a dilemma. If you do not listen to my podcast already and you are not plugged into their sisterhood, i don't know what you're doing sorry. I got acrylics yesterday, so you know i'm across press on the girl. But one thing i do miss is that but anyways i have several things going on camera's here: phone's here to read the dilemma with the mirror. My ipad is here because i'm using it as a monitor, so a lot is going on, but i am going to be reading and answering your dilemmas, providing some advice, some wisdom, encouragement as well. This is a positive space. This is a space where we grow and glow, and so yeah, i'm just here to be a cis. I'M here to be a good sis talking about sistering, okay, this is a safe space. So not only do i want you all to comment to give um our people some advice as they bring their cases forward, but also i'm here, wiggles okay, embrace me as i am because today we are going to be installing a wig. I have not done this on camera in, for ever i haven't tried a wig that was not from my own company in forever, but, as some of you may already know, i closed down. If you watch the vlogs, i closed down cdb london. Well, i put a pause on it anyway. We don't know what the future holds and for the three years that i was running, my own hair company, i was wearing my own hair. I was my biggest brand ambassador, but since i am no longer selling hair, i want to see what is available on the streets what's going on in the industry, and so a few hair companies have actually been emailing me, and i thought you know what quartz, why Not maybe it's time, maybe it's time to just throw your little two pence into what you think about these hair companies. So today's video is sponsored by eula, hair or ula hair. I'M actually not very sure about how you say their name. It could be ula. It could be eula, you know, but they are kindly sponsoring today's video and they sent me one of their wigs to wear. This is a machine made wig. It is their straight wig with, i believe, hd lace um. All the specs will be down below in the description along with the link, so you can see things like the price and all of that they gifted me this one. Obviously, every opinion is gon na be honest and it's gon na be my own in this video. Okay, because one thing i won't do is what lie to you: it came with two combs on the side to secure the wig as well as a comb. In the back, i took out the combs that were in the sides, because i don't personally like wig combs um, and it also came with an elastic bland band already attached. But i took that out as well, because this wig is actually a little bit too small. For me um, my head, circumference is 23 inches um, but i think this might be like a 22 or 22.5. So it's a little bit tight. I can still make it work, though, so i took out all the like elastic bands and all of that just to give me a little bit more wiggle room like when i got out of the bag. I was really impressed. Obviously it looks a little bit worn out because i washed it so i bleached the knot. It did come a little bit. Pre-Plucked and the knots were really small, but i decided to go in and bleach the knots and i did a little bit of plucking on the hairline as well. I literally plucked for less than five minutes. It really didn't take a long time at all, because the hairline was already really good and this lace get into it. So this is like a hd lace, but it's more of like um, a very thin, transparent lace and it has a slight tint to it. So it's not like super pale like transparent lace. Is i actually really like it? I think this is one of the thinnest laces. I'Ve worked with yeah, definitely top four, but yes, we're gon na get straight into this install um and then i'm to be answering your dilemmas. Can you see that their wig is a bit small, but we're going to finish it and then um of love? So let me read you out the dilemma. Whilst i wait for the straight enough to heat up, hey miss courtney, i trust you're, well, hello, um. This actually came from one of like our biggest supporters over at two, my sisters, but obviously over at court's case. Everything and to be honest with teammates as well when it comes to dilemmas. Everyone is anonymous because we're protecting people - okay, hey miss courtney. I trust you're well. So this is my dilemma. I'Ve been single for five years now and i'm turning 26. I haven't been dating because i had to get my life together and finish school and also decided to keep myself for marriage. Now, i'm done with school and ready to meet someone. However, i realize i'm insecure and scared. Why? Because i feel i haven't accomplished enough in life, i'm trying to get the bag and make money for myself, and i don't want to meet a man who will look down on me or make me feel dependent on him. I also feel i've been so single for so long that i don't know the dating game anymore. I feel naive and unready any advice. Sister, baby. Okay, i hear it. I hear it first of all well done and like congratulations on just being on your glowing and growing journey. I think it's super admirable that you know you've been working on yourself and you're self-aware enough to you know be like. I need to focus on this right now. I need to focus on that right now and now your your attention is kind of shifting to dating, and i absolutely love that for you as well. It'S a new season, it's a new time. So, let's kind of approach it from the different angles. We can hear right the insecurity i feel like you need to give yourself room and grace to continue like evolving you're, not you're constantly when it comes to career when it comes to work when it comes to accomplishments, like we're constantly growing and we're constantly going on This journey of trying to improve in these areas right, it's so easy to get, i guess, disappointed or discouraged by feeling like i am not where i need to be, and i think especially when you get to that mid-20s stage, which i've just gone into um, where You'Re kind of maybe comparing yourself or not even comparing yourself to other people, but at least just thinking about where it is you would have wanted to have been. Did i apply heat protectant? No thinking about where you would have wanted to have been, or maybe some of the expectations you had for yourself and you realize like i'm, not where i want to be um, and i hear it i feel like. I feel like for me what i do when it comes to that place of like i'm a bit insecure. I feel like i'm not ready to date, because i haven't maybe established myself in my career or i haven't. You know gotten myself to the fullest um place of feeling ready. You kind of have to come back. This idea of, can you ever truly be ready? Have you ever really truly arrived and the whole point of like finding? I guess you know, as a serious partner is the fact that you're going to be building with them right, you're going to be building the life where i just put the clipboards right here, you're going to be building the life that you want with someone right and You have to realize: why would you come to a relationship where you're meant to be building having accomplished everything that you already want to accomplish, and also what would be the point of the adventure for yourself like you, don't want to not that you don't want to Peak too early, but you're constantly, there's always going to be a next thing. There'S always going to be a another thing to accomplish another thing that you set your sights on as a goal and right now you may feel like i'm not at the goal that i would have wanted to accomplish by this stage of my life. But who are you rushing for? Who are you running for and as long as you're taking the time to be um working towards the goals that you have it may be taking longer than you want it to, but at the end of the day, since you're, a young babe, 26 just turned 26. That that's, you are young, you have time um and not just that. You have time in a patronizing sense, but in the sense that, like you, have your life ahead of you, no matter what age you are to establish your dreams right and one thing, this hair is straightening beautifully by the way and, like you just said, you just Finished school you've actually been doing work to get closer to your accomplishments, whether that be through qualifications, training, education, you've just spent time in education like you've, been dedicating your time to other things. Now you can dedicate yourself to maybe building in your career or getting you know different skills in life. Maybe travel maybe do whatever is on your goals list now you have more time to do that because you're not in formal education, anymore and so now take that make the most of it. You'Ve been using your time wisely in the past season, and now you know. Okay, seasons are changing. I want to date, now allocate your time accordingly, but don't be so hard on yourself to think i haven't accomplished enough, like you need to give yourself a pat on the back for everything that you have already accomplished. You also need to strategize how the things you've already accomplished, because i'm sure you do have accomplishments the things that you have already accomplished. What are they setting you up for and how can they be used for your future once you start to strategize? In that way, you can get moving and you can start making progress and that feeling of progress will help. You feel a bit more fulfilled fulfilled. I think, secondly, i guess on that point of you never really come to a relationship, fully ready or fully having arrived or having accomplished enough, because at the end of the day, when you meet that person, it's the beginning of a new adventure, they are working with. What you bring, and that doesn't say you know, don't work on yourself - don't make sure that you are fulfilled, like i said, start working towards that fulfillment and in whatever form that looks like for you. However, when you meet that new person they're also going to be bringing their vision for their life, you know, and you're gon na have to also work towards that with them and help them and grow on your own unique journey which has now merged with theirs and That looks different in every case, but your partner and you should be happy to work with what each person is coming with into the relationship and work and build for the future from that place. You don't need to come into a relationship with all of these accomplishments. You need to come in with good character and as long as you're working on that the accomplishments will definitely come, but i'm sure you don't want you know you want your independence and stuff like that, but you can still cultivate independence while still being interdependent with somebody. You still have your own life, which you can work on and what's beautiful about dating is it gives you the opportunity to work on it with the help of somebody else and with the support and the encouragement of somebody else, which i think is a very beautiful Thing to embrace about relationships you get to do you know another part of life with somebody, you have somebody there to be in your corner and a cheerleader, and because you know this is the season of the life of your life that you're in you also know. You'Re looking for somebody who will support that right, you're looking for somebody who will support your independent growth, whilst still being you know interdependent with them in your relationship and somebody who will respect the boundaries that you set because, like you said, you've chosen to uh, keep Yourself till marriage, and now you know so much about yourself having been single, for you know a while it's great, because now you can pick the right partner according to the future. You want to set for yourself, and i think it's important to look for somebody who you have synergy with somebody who you have um enough in common with and a mutual understand. That'S the one! I look for you have a mutual understanding in terms of where are you trying to go in the future and how you're trying to behave in this relationship and what you need from this relationship once you have a mutual understanding of that, you both work to make The relationship work even in the dating phase. I think it's good to be clear on the fact that these are my expectations. These are my needs and even if it's not click just clear with the other person, it's at least clear with yourself. This is what i need. These are my expectations. This is what i'm working towards second issue here is the dating world and cis. Let me tell you something: i was in the exact same position, practically speaking once you've been single for a very long time getting back into the dating game, and i use the name. The word game purposefully right getting back into the dating game and the dating uh world can feel so intimidating, so intimidating and one thing that i've realized, having you know re-entered into the dating game recently is it's all about just getting to know people and it's all About realizing that you know, you've probably gone on this glowing and growing journey. This personal development journey of working on yourself of being really introspective of you know knowing what it is you do and do not like channeling main character, energy and thinking about yourself. Of course, you're thinking about community you're, probably serving in other capacities, but it's really about how um you are being challenged and your character being changed and stuff like that. But when it comes to the dating game, what i think is actually so beautiful about it. Is you get to actually meet and understand new people, especially men? I think a lot of women can be surrounded by a lot of other women, and i've noticed in my life that my friends are women. The majority of, like my community members, are women. I work predominantly with women um in my career and it's hard sometimes to understand men, and you just start working on assumptions. This is what dating a guy is like if you do date, um men like this is what dating a guy is like. This is what uh men think this is what men feel this: what men need. This is what men did you kind of have youtube content telling you? This is what every man wants and every man did it and it's absolute nonsense, but at the same time you start to think you know: there's some truth to it. But you've got to understand every person. Every man, every woman, every person is unique right and so the dating game for me when you enter it like it's actually quite exciting because you get to meet new people now, let me tell you something: sis people are mad. Everyone'S mad everybody's man, including us, like everyone's, got a degree of crazy inside of them, but i think, what's beautiful, is you get to discover the different types of crazy that exist in the world? Well, what is this a gray hair and i think it's nice to meet new people? I think it's nice also to get youth perspectives because we can become so caught up in our echo chambers, it's nice to have people to talk to it's nice to uh. You know just flirt casually um and just meet new people to feel confident that hey i'm getting in my groove, i'm talking to people i'm stepping out of my comfort zone. Personally, i think the dating game when you enter into it, especially having been single for a very long time, take it very casually and casual, doesn't always have to mean casual sex. You know, i think, when people hear casual dating they're like ah that's not godly. Do you get what i mean, because i know the sister and the dilemma and also a lot of you in my audience? Um are christians like me, so a lot of people hear casual dating and they think. Ah, you are going to be having sex and often pants and fornication and all of these things, but at the end of the day, it's really about getting to know people casually and not putting too much um too much. I want to say expectation, but too much pressure, not on the dating phase, but on the whole, like every guy that i meet, i have to be looking at him and thinking are you my husband rather than actually assess him? Are you actually husband material? Do i enjoy your friendship? Do i enjoy your company? Are you teaching me more about human character? Are you also revealing to me more about myself as a person? It'S not everybody that you talk to in the dating phase that you're obviously going to end up with um, and i think we go into it with that pressure of like i need to go and find my boyfriend. I need to go and find my partner, but actually i think, approach it with the idea that this is a great place to meet new people and it can open a door to find a partner because everyone's kind of in that mindset, if you are meeting people Who um are you know trying to find serious relationships like everyone's in that mindset that ah this could lead to a relationship? But i think when you go in putting so much pressure on yourself to be like, i need to find a husband now today express um. Can somebody you know tap swipe right on my profile so that i can get off the shelf. You kind of put this pressure on the conversations that you have and you put a pressure on yourself to perform. Rather than to just be you, you know, i think once you take off that pressure, you realize it's just about getting to know people and also, i think it breeds a new confidence in you right when you can just relax a little bit and just have these Casual conversations with people and what i was going to say about being casual actually is casual, can still have boundaries like it doesn't mean just because we're talking casually that we don't have boundaries, we still have boundaries. There are things that i do and do not want to talk about. There are things i will and won't talk about. There are natures of conversation that i will and will not have, and i think, having you don't have to outline those boundaries, um necessarily off the bat, but knowing those boundaries, i think, is important, especially if you're going to do something like online dating or you're going To date, with people in your network and in real life yeah, i would say, though, when it comes to the dating game like get yourself surrounded by some men who also know other men. Do i mean people who can introduce you to other people vouch for other people start going out more like it don't overthink it you can do online dating. You can just start going out more and you can you know let people who you're close to you know. Listen, i'm back in the dating game hook me up hook me up with some people introduce me to some people, but i think that getting to know people will help you feel less naive. It will help you feel less, like you know, small fish, big pond, just taking it with the approach that i'm trying to get to know different people, different people's mindsets, um different people's journeys and stories and who they are as people how they operate um. What they bring out in me, i think it helps. You feel a lot less naive, of course, off the bat you're going to feel like i haven't done this in five years. This feels new to me. I completely understand that. However, it only starts to feel not new and um somewhat normal. The more that you do it and oh look at the melt. Look at the melt! Look at look at the belt! Look at it wow! So what i was saying it only starts to feel not so new when the more that you do it, and so you have to at some point just kind of confront the fact that yeah this feels new to me. This feels different, but it has to get done. You know i have to do it. Nonetheless, it's going to be uncomfortable right, but you've got to realize that you're not going there to perform you're, not going there to necessarily impress you're going there to be yourself and find people who feel drawn to that and want to get to know you and are Intentional about getting to know you and stuff like that, but it's also an opportunity for you to get yours to know yourself, and i think the next thing i want to confront is this wider challenge, sometimes that we have with embracing relationships and a set a degree Of dependence, because i think a lot of us who have been single for a long time can struggle with that idea, and i'm not talking about like submission or anything like that. I'M talking about welcoming somebody into your life as a potential partner or as somebody who can join you on this journey, because i think we can become so conf not complacent, but we can become so used to doing our life journeys alone, and i think this is Why it's important to prioritize embrace um emerge seeing yourself, why is the worries? Why are the words not coming out plus i need to go glue down my baby hairs. Let me get the guts to be, and then we'll talk about this final point. So i'm going to use the got to be ultra glued. I bought the aphogee style and rap music. I might put a little bit like on top, but don't track me um, but the thing is you're, not gon na focus. Are you focus yeah there we go so i bought this um mousse um. I'Ve used it before. It'S actually really good, but i don't have time for me. So i'm just going to use a little bit of gel to gel these down a little bit but yeah work on things like your career and your businesses and your side hustles, and all of that i think that's super important to do within a relationship. But i think, there's also a need to think about what level of dependence you know you want to have in your relationship, not just in the area of finance, but just in every area generally, because i think with relationships. There is a degree of transitioning from being independent to being interdependent right, so it is embracing certain things like help and assistance people wanting to be there for you in different ways, but i think it comes down to the individual relationship and the individual boundaries that you Have and what it is that you actually desire. There are no two relationships that are the same, and your relationship will be determined by the parameters that you set for it. I think if you know for yourself like okay, i want to have my own money work towards that work towards that from now you don't have to delay being in a relationship till you have your own money, but because you know it's something that you prioritize just Make sure you know you're working towards that and you're constantly cultivating that kind of culture within your relationship of okay? I don't i pay for my own stuff. I can pay for my own stuff. Obviously i accept gifts if you're comfortable with that or i accept you maybe paying for dates or you know helping me in this way - or you know showing me your affection in this way, but i'm not dependent on you. I think that's a culture that you foster rather than a financial status or a certain amount of money in your bank account it's a culture, it's uh! I can do this alone. I can welcome him in your help and i'm happy to receive your help and i'm happy to receive your affection in whatever way. But i can do this alone. I can be independent um and just knowing that, for yourself and like i said creating that culture in your relationship, um, which isn't you know, maybe clingy or too dependent in whatever way that you are comfortable. That, like i said, is a culture. It is not something that you necessarily need a certain amount of money for it's a culture that you create in your relationship. It'S the things that you ask for, and you don't ask for um it's the conversations that you have around independence and dependence and the degree of dependence you're gon na have, as you become more and more intimate in your relationships. Listen relationships are all about a degree of dependence, a degree of relying on each other and leaning on each other, and you also have to be open to do that, and i would say you also need to confront. You know the fact that at some point, you're going to have to do that. Sorry, i'm using the carra care, silk and seal i'm using the carra care, silken seal liquid sheen um, and this is just to add a little bit of shine to the hair because, like i said i just washed it, this hair isn't the highest of luster um, Which is nice, actually it gives it like a natural look. This is what we're looking like crazy. Are you crazy? It'S giving it's just the back, it's not like fully down and if the wind blows chill i'ma be out here out here, so just make sure you get your size but yeah. No, this wig is really nice, a really natural density, as you can see, but the lace. I am super impressed, i'm actually really impressed um and i think i've come. I'Ve said enough in terms of advice. Maybe this is something that we could explore later, but i would thoroughly thoroughly enjoy reading your advice, and i want to hear the advice that you have for our good series. Is this something that you can relate to? Is it something that you have dealt with? Is it something that you have wisdom for if it is put something in the comments section down below? As always, this is a space of love. It is a space of encouragement, so keep it respectful down there, but thank you so much for watching this video. Thank you so much to our good sis for submitting her dilemma as well. Really do appreciate it. If you want to send me a dilemma, go and follow me on instagram, and you can dm me and thank you so much to eula or ula hair for sponsoring. Today'S video this week is actually really really nice, like i mentioned before, all the information about it will be down in the description box, alongside the link for you to check it out. If you would like to this, lace is definitely cb approved. I really really like that love you all so much and as always stay beautiful and stay blessed, this hair in store came out so cute. I just wish this wig cap fit me uh, because listen look at this. The way that, like my cameras, are kind of coming out, besides the words of having a big head, the words of having a big hair, but it's all right, you know we'll make it work on an everyday thing. Maybe, when the wind don't blow so hard, we'll just bring this girl out, because this lace