Episode 211: Toxic Traits F. Around The Way Curls

So welcome back to good mom's, bad choices, i'm erica and i'm mila and we're in new york, [ __ ]. You know we thrive in new york, i'm in new york, except you know what the guys it's a little different this time, because the [ __ ] brought her kid. So i can't really thrive in the way that i typically drive. Also, i think i might have an ear infection because god likes to just throw a curveball in my new york experiences constantly, but you know i feel, like you know, there's always someone. If it's winter we're such california [ __ ], there's someone has to be like 50 sick. Every time we come every time um. I am thriving because i did not bring my child um, but i have grown a lot. There have been many times. I come to new york and i feel like i need to like [ __ ] out because i'm free and i'm on vacation, but now it's winter time and i'm feeling rather chill it's only day. One: okay, well i'll, get back to you next time, you're also with your boyfriend, so well he's kind of wild. So you know my porn boyfriend doesn't really count as a grounder grounder um. How are you feeling i feel good minus your massive, like uh, but you guys, i just want you to know like she's, not gon na admit to this, but erica is slightly kind of two percent hypochondriac she's. Like i'm sick, i think i've covered i'm sick. Our friend's line collapsed unexpectedly and she's, like i think, mine's two i was like no [ __ ]. It doesn't work that way. It'S not contagious. First of all, i'm not slightly hyper contract. Do i do we need to show an example of what i'm talking about? No, no! No! No! No! No! No! Please does that sound normal. I'M sorry! Please don't do that. You do realize this is an audio experience. Yeah i do, but i want the people to know that i please shut the [ __ ] up is making me sound. Like i'm crazy, but i'm not, i am struggling, but i'm good, don't worry, i don't have covet there's our guests are looking at us. I just don't know. I think that maybe, like my lungs, are collapsing um anyway. Erica'S lungs are not collapsing. It'S fine. I feel great me too. I do feel great, i'm feeling i'm feeling good and i'm feeling even better, because today we're joined by two very special guests um. We are joined by antoinette and shanti from around the way. Curls. Thank you for having us. Thank you for coming, i'm especially excited because my girls are from philly. You know uh, i'm from l.a by way of philly, both my parents are from philly. So i'm very happy we'll accept that we'll take you, you should because [ __ ] i've been coming every summer since i'm a child. We must all of my philly cousins accept me and if i stand from ellie like you're from philly, so i think you should accept me and um. I'M excited all of our people kept telling us to hit you guys up. Someone was like you guys got to remind me of them like their looks kind of look, like your looks, i'm like. Let me see these [ __ ] yeah. Actually, someone sent us a video and they were like. I almost thought this was y'all for a minute. What are we talking about? I don't know ciao, you know, but you see a light skinned and like drowning. I know you're a little. You two are a little, i think more trendy than at least me she's, trendy, she's cool. I i give you i can see the comparison. I can see it again, yeah the compliment when they said i got up there. I was like okay they're cute right now. I said you were giving me me: energy yeah, we're all. Actually you were like. No, i almost wore a see-through turtleneck today and i was like i'm a good thing. I didn't cause. We were like twins, she. She came ready because this is not her. You like she was just. Did you bring no they're, not but no there'll be some periods. You'Re, like okay, you have to give them what you give this period any time she said, i'm like yeah. They really do tell a petite, [, __ ] anything looks bigger, she's, sad and she's gon na be. Like i love you, oh my god. Is that what you need i'm gon na? Do that all the time then yeah don't tell me, i mean tell me that i'm thick well, then don't be mean, i'm i wasn't being mean. So you know, what's so weird you're such a scorpio like such a feisty scorpio and like nothing, bothers you and then sometimes i'll say like one thing, you're like you're being so mean i'm like wow, this [ __ ] is being sensitive today. Scorpios are sensitive beings. I know i forget that you're sensitive because i'm sensitive be a little bit tougher than me. We have very similar traits. I guess, because scorpios have a harder outer shell too right. Oh yeah yeah. I guess so right. I think so yeah like crustaceans, giving that your cancer cancer, i'm a gemini cancer cat, whoa whoa, there's a lot going on over there. That'S the cusp of magic. Just in case, you guys were wondering crazy, [, __, ], magic, the googles and the astrologies say the cusp of magic, not the cusp of crazy, so watch yourself. Magic is crazy. A little bit. Okay! Well, that's true! Divine feminine energy! Yes, i feel like i accept that i receive that, but also with a side of crazy, i'm working on it because every day, every day, i'm working to conquer my crazy. What'S your signs, my daughter's assassin and my moon is a libra. Oh really welcome. Pretty things. Do you guys, are you guys into the astrologies or she is more than i am so i want to know like your whole chart uh, i'm a double scorpio with a sag moon, oh um, i'm i'm a gemini cancer cusp and a son and i'm a leo Rising and lee and then libra moon, [, __ ] do y'all know that libra i have a cancer aries cancer aquarius, but aries makes sense. I don't i don't believe i don't think i have the time right. My raggedy mom was like it's aries. It'S definitely not a question for your birth certificate. It'S not on there. I haven't the time's up. The time is philly. Oh yeah, raggedy. The time is not what they're getting they got. Lazy like your mom. Don'T remember. She says either 3 53 or 3 35, but she was like all i know is. I was really impressed that mom would know, because i had no like there was a lot going on for me to be looking at the clock and no that's what i would think. I suggest you don't know your daughters. Well, i do because the birth certificate - okay, but if you ask me it would have been it might have been at seven o'clock at night, but my daughter was born in the morning. So i mean i don't know i kind of remember yeah. I remember i don't you know my memories: [ __ ] up, it is there's a lot of wheat. We smoke a lot of weed over here because you guys started smoking way too early. I think that's the problem, probably she smokes fake. I wish i could smell. I think i saw that in your episodes. I started smoking weed at like 13., like 8th grade smoking heavy, and then it just made me paranoid and insecure, and it just brings out worse. It brings out the worst thing to do. I do it for medicinal purposes. I do it to like check in with myself feel myself out, but i can't do it around people. It'S not recreational, because i would be like i got ta go. I will i will leave. I will get up and walk out. I can't handle it, no it it. I think it takes practice. It takes a lot of work to kind of conquer the inner thoughts, because i've been there, i've understood what weed and what state and what state you're in yeah. I guess, but you might already be like hoping for the worst before you smoke. That'S what i think. I think you can prepare yourself. She'S gon na go back yeah, i know so, but i want to practice. Somebody just needs to like give you a little edible on the low and you need to come to l.a. I like the act of active smoking, but i'm an edible girl. I'M opposite! I'M like. Let me get an edible and i'm just so happy. There are so many nights when i'm in the house, like during covent, papa, edible, put afrobeats when it's like two o'clock in the morning. I'M dancing around having a grand time, and i just want her. I don't know what you would like to do. I'M gon na get it. I'M gon na just go to her house and do it like. Do it like that, just incredible! No she's, just [ __ ] she [ __ ], said she saw she just excluded me just one friend alone by myself. I practiced by myself and then you know, you're not performing get open get vulnerable with me. I think i need to work with myself. It'S the inner work. First that i have to do. You know we're like something like you might be me: [ __ ], because i'm like get vulnerable with me. Take off your shoes. Take off your shirt. Your titties are locked up, so i had the worst high ever at afro punk once and i had never really been high before, and so i was with jade jade of all jays, and so she was yelling at me like [ __, ], don't drink that anymore And it was some kind of confused confused margarita tequila thing yeah. I don't feel anything drinking them down. She'S like yo, you don't you're, not even supposed to drink a whole. One of that, when i tell you i was stuck. Oh no. She held my hand. She did sit me up against the trash. Can i kind of hold that against her, so nice of you she's delicious, you need back support and she was just like so tell me how you're feeling what and i said i everything i don't have any control time. What is time she's like you were like and how does it feel to not have control? She was like i'm finally going to be able to keep. She was getting. She was getting me through. She was like look at the look at the clock every time you feel out of control just ground yourself with the time and see how much time has passed and know that you're right here feel the ground underneath that you might be mean too much girl. What a great tip i feel like are you aware do mushrooms then i would absolutely do much. We should do. Have you guys done mushrooms together, i've, never yeah. We should do mushrooms together. I feel the way that you've done mushrooms but not weed. Thank you. It didn't bring up the same. It just didn't, bring up the same things. For me, i mean it brought up the same feelings in some way, but there's no control you're. Just like you know how you go on your waves you're, just like. Oh my god. Here we go yeah and that you know with weed. I could feel still i'm trying to control things. Whereas mushrooms, it's just like what you have or you haven't done, mushrooms i haven't. I haven't okay yeah. She did them with someone else with her other friends wow. I'M so happy we're talking about um drugs - oh my god. Oh my god. Our drug episode, not drugs, but like healing drugs like herbal plant, medicine, plant, medicine, um eric and i are big advocates for plant medicine, the ones that work for you obviously um this month. This is our april weed and wellness month um, and we wanted to talk about wellness and obviously mushrooms and weed our wellness mm-hmm. I would agree i mean not for some friend for someone, yes for some, not well. You have to know what your what your wellness of choices um, but we asked you guys before you came. If you had an affirmation, do you guys have an affirmation for our listeners? Do you have one i have i do you can both share with me both of y'all share one okay, i wan na i wan na. You know what my affirmation was inspired by the two of you. I went on your website and i watched some of your clips, so i just want to offer an affirmation for all of the folks it's women's month as well. So i'm just going to shout out women that are building things and doing it together and creating just amazing amazing work and diving in deep doing hard things together, because the back of the house is completely different from the front of the house and your front of The house is very clean and very like well put together and i love that you guys do the theme. So this isn't an affirmation, but it's just like whatever it was. I was like yeah, it's not an affirmation, but i just want to shout out to all of the women that are creating things to keep going and to do it together, because by golly greatness comes from it and shout out to y'all it's an inspiration. Thank you. I don't know about the back of the house. Is a [ __ ] mess? Okay, listen! I know the front of the house is clean. The back of the house. We know that the black back of the house - i just spilled coffee all over this floor. Y'All would never know, but shout out to never. I would have never known, nobody would ever know so shout out to just building things and and moving forward one step in front of the other, because thank you. I received that people seasonally yeah. Thank you something that i've been saying to myself and i offer it to other people. Is that um, especially with these crazy times, i will either look in the mirror or when i wake up. I just say you are exactly where you are supposed to be. What is meant for you will find you and may you be ready when it comes ashay, you're, exactly where you're supposed to be what it's meant for. You will find you and your ex, and may you be ready when it comes to. May you be ready when it comes, i know that's the [ __ ] right, maybe ready when the [ __ ]. It comes okay, preparation, just embrace the pro the process. That'S how i really because i i'm somebody who i always want to jump to. I want to be like i just i just want to jump to whatever conclusion it is or whatever goal it is, and i hate the in between because i feel like i'm struggling or i feel like i'm not there yet, and i just like yo chill the [ __ ] out, relax and embrace embrace, where you're at you're, where you're supposed to be and have more faith in that so i've been i've been struggling with that too, just like being in a really good place and still my body wanting to feel anxious. Yeah, i'm like [ __, ] you're happy. Actually, this is less problems than you had in a long time and i'm like constantly like like making it. My body wants to make a big deal out of the things that are not big deals and just like kind of being present and being grateful and in like constant gratitude, even in the journey and in between. Because i don't want to get there and be like [ __ ], you missed all the good part. You know, so i totally received that yeah yeah. No, i agree. I think that the in-between is what makes the what the arrival even better a lot of times when you skip the in between the arrival feels so unfulfilling, and then that's why people are always like they get there and then they're like this. I feel like. What'S the next thing, because there's always going to be [ __ ], even when you get there and yeah and you're always going to be wanting for the the next thing, and it's just like this is good. This is actually a good thing. It'S that's really powerful to sit there and say like this is good and to recognize within yourself when you're like if i romanticize this struggle, you know like right. I realize in myself that, because i like to troubleshoot, i look for things to troubleshoot and it's like. But what, if everything is all right and can you exist in that and how does that feel? Are you uncomfortable in like stillness and calm at ease and, as you know, women as black women - that's very tricky because usually you're like okay, i got ta. Do all this. I can't even [ __ ]. Do it, but it's like that's what you're conditioned to do and then when there is ease it's like it's almost like it's almost eerie like. What'S something about to pop up something would pop up and take my joke. You'Re embracing yourself, you're, bracing yourself and you're, like looking for something to actually like make just justify the feelings that you have even when there's nothing right. We just came back from costa rica and we, like, oh, your retreat, looked amazing. We had like two retreats. It was super beautiful and peaceful, we're in a beautiful tropic place and obviously there was things to get done, and i had this thought where, like you know like, i have these big dreams to like make millions of dollars and then go off the grid and live Happily, ever after in my rich island mansion - and i saw i saw like i was weird driving by like a house - and i saw people in the pool - and i had this brief thought - and i was like what, if i do all these things and i get The house and i find i import a husband to the tropics and we like are sitting naked in the pool all the things i wish for and then like, and then i'm bored i'm like what, if i'm bored with this [ __ ]. What if i'm bored just living in the tropics in my mansion and i was like what a sick, [ __ ], i'm like [ __ ]? Are you crazy, i'm like little, but it really had to it made me think about like the the the chase. You know, like all the things that we do to get there and then it's like. Is it enough and i think a part of getting there and feeling fulfilled is being fulfilled right now. You know so that when i get there, i can like really understand and relax yeah yeah anyway. That was my word for the day um i pulled a a tarot card from our mahogany tarot and it was justice. Actually i didn't pull um who pulled it. Shanti pulled it, so let me know if this applies to you, i'm not like i'm super tarot reader. I just i read from bitty tarot um, and actually i don't really. I think that this card means justice card is a woman sitting on a throne. She has a like a libra weight scale and on the other hand, i don't know what the [ __ ] this is, but it looks like there's balance she's wearing red, so maybe that means royalty. I don't know just making [ __ ] up, i'm going for my intuition. Um the justice card represents justice, fairness, truth and the law you're being called to account for your actions and will be judged accordingly. If you have acted in alignment with your higher self and for the greater good of others, you have nothing to worry about. However, if you haven't, you will be called out and made to own up to your actions. If this is, if this has you shaking in your boots, know that the justice card isn't as black and white, as you may think, a level of compassion and understanding accompany justice, and, although you may have done something, you regret, this card suggests that you'll be treated Fairly and without bias, be ready to take responsibility for your actions and stand accountable for the ensuing consequences um well. This is very interesting because, unbeknownst to you all, we had a discussion about what we're gon na talk about today and one of my favorite parts about doing podcasts is like we get to sit down with women that we literally haven't talked to ever and they'd, be Like let's get deep, [ __, ] yeah, let's talk about your shadow work this month is because it's wellness we're talking about um. I think it's hard to work on wellness without being honest about what your toxic traits are. Um, hello, welcome, welcome to the show - and we just want to talk about like our toxic traits, maybe in relationships, maybe specifically in friendships relationships just in general, really but um. I think this card wow just really calling us out today. It is it's really like. I want to get deep: let's get deep, [ __, ], so erica. What me go! First, yeah! Oh [, __ ]. What do i want my toxic traits? Yeah? Oh damn me wow, okay, um! Well, uh! I would say my toxic traits in relationships. I would say in like love, i've been told and i've been told and i've only recently, i think acknowledged that i um often i'm always kind of waiting for a man to disappoint me, like i'm always kind of like and the way that i do it is. I kind of like make him feel like he can't live up to whatever it is that i wanted to live up to um. I think that i've been single for almost five years now: hello, hi energy, yeah somewhere between mail count, practice um and i've really like over the last month. I really had to really think about okay. Why are you? Why have you been single this long like? Besides the fact that, like it's a choice right, it has been a choice honestly, but like i'm a bad [, __ ] i mean i'm smart. I have my [ __ ] together, mostly i i'm fine um. I don't know. I think i have a lot of value outside of whatever i look like, but i find that i feel like the men that i've dated have all kind of in their own way. Told me, like you, make me feel like i'm less than like, and so i'm like is that my toxic train i mean probably yeah, sounds like it um and they're, not wrong they're, not wrong. I think it's because i think it's because i have high expectations and i and like i don't want to settle. I don't want to just you know: um, it's really. I i just can't settle and so because of that in i've made men feel like they can't rise to the occasion and i've i've kind of like i've. I'Ve made them feel bad about it, instead of just being like you're, not my person and that's okay. It'S more than like you're, not you're, not rising to the occasion. Why aren't you my person, so i feel like i don't know what the right word is, what the toxic trait per se would be. What would you call that um, maybe like a presumptuous like you're, presumptuous and like you're, dating that you assume that they're going to be disappointing rather than just like judgmental, maybe critical critical? I guess i'm highly critical well actually you're, my friend. So, every time you tell me there's something: [ __ ], those [ __ ] you're, perfect. You don't think that i'm you don't think i'm highly critical. I think it's appropriate when you're critical. I think that you're right, i love it. I think see her co-signing. My toxic, this is why i can't change my sister's a scorpio. I don't know it may not have anything to do with that, but that is her biggest thing is that she will nitpick and she's very, very, very critical and breaks the person down and can't necessarily take it. I don't know how do you take people being critical towards like she can't handle it? I don't think any water sign can take it like they can dish it, because i certainly can't i find that most people, i think people a lot of people. Don'T tell me about myself i'd be trying to tell my friends. Can you please tell me about myself, i'm like you're perfect, because i don't really have a problem telling other people about themselves um. So i don't really feel like. I get the opportunity the only time i get it is from my mom and that i'm not good at that yeah you're right, because when my mom tries to come for me, it's always like no um, so that could be. That could be right. So i think that that probably is my my toxic trait i'm really i'm also really. I can easily be done like i can easily be just like okay and we're done scene yeah. We don't need to talk anymore, like i can cut you off real real quick. I'M really i'm almost too good at it and it's hard for me to understand people that aren't good at it like, because jamila is such a lover and and she she'll she's she'll, extend things past the point where i i don't it doesn't. I don't understand it, but i don't necessarily think that's a bad quality. I think that sometimes it's a bad quality of mind where i'm like damn. I could have been more kind. Probably so i don't know. Meanwhile, my toxic trait is holding on way too long being way too kind. What do you? What about you guys? I? I can dig that i think i definitely hold on um. I don't let [ __ ] die. It needs to die yeah. I know that i can look at her face. I think my toxic trait, though, is um moving from a place of fear and that's in general. I think that in relationships, romantic relationships, specifically, i can be codependent in the sense of i will flood you with so much love and care and consideration that it is um almost too much to deal with it's like okay, you got ta [, __, ], relax and I'M doing that because i'm afraid that this person will leave me or this person, i'm not enough for this person. I have done that. I'Ve been single for going on six years and she knows how many codependency books i have in my house where i've really tried to work through that of like okay. What is that about like what the undertone the under the thing? That'S you know underlying underlying. There is the fact that i don't feel like i deserve to to be loved, and so i don't feel that now, but i think that when i meet people who i'm excited about, i do get nervous and i cause i never want to be back there. So then, i kind of i if i see myself going all in i'll dumb it down, i'm like. Oh they don't like me. Oh it's not that deep, oh and i try to just like convince myself. You got ta [ __ ] relax. So it's it's toxic. It'S loving, but it's it's like yeah and it's not it's. It'S doesn't serve me. I have. I have similar toxic traits. I feel like um, even in friendships like i i mean i i'm i'm very introspective where i'm always thinking about my thoughts and the. Why like and it's healthy, and it's not like it's, but i'm i i do like, like sometimes i'm overthinking, i'm literally making things up in my head like are they talking about me when i leave like no [ __ ], no one's thinking about you when you Leave you know or like even with friends or like just over thinking, [ __, ] or like even in relationships. The same like, i have probably the fear of abandonment, where, like i might really like someone and like become attached and like bomb them and like want to connect and then also be like. If i see them, if i feel like they've withdrawn in any way, then i'm like, i don't [ __ ], i don't [ __ ] with them like that, like i don't really care like that, even though, knowing that i care, but the fear of them like Leaving so i do i i care i nurture, because i would prefer not to have the rejection and not to like. I would you know, even if, like even if i think about it deeply, do i really want this person to stay like? Are we really compatible? Is this really what i want in 20 years, probably not like that? This is not really what i see long term, but like i'd rather feel wanted and kept and chosen than to be honest with myself about. If this is the person, i want to be wanted and kept and chosen from yeah and then like, and attaching myself into that in that way, versus at a genuine, realistic, like mature way and so like. I can identify with those same thoughts and like i found that, like it has to do with childhood, always yeah. Absolutely in my experience. It'S always something when you're five like when you're, when you're a child, the little things that make you feel rejected or not chosen or or like. Maybe parents were negligent, and even in that, like thinking like well, i wasn't like homeless or hungry, like you had a good life and my therapist is like you can't rationalize your feelings just because you weren't homeless or hungry [, __ ] doesn't mean that you don't Have trauma with certain like relationships and that like as a child things, oh my god, my [ __ ] valley likes so annoying, but like the fact that she just tore yourself up. What'S the east coast version of like um, but um anyway? But yes, i i i feel the same way yeah. I think my toxic trait is um the opposite. I can disassociate very easily so i see more like you erica we're like and it has to do with not being comfortable being vulnerable. It takes me a very long time to get close to somebody and open up to somebody, men and women like romantic enough wise too. It takes me a while, and i, if you can, you know, take it all back to childhood, but i think i can easily and i have gemini is my moon and then aquarius is my rising. So i can be very airy and very detached and ambivalent and people are like. How do you feel about me like it's, i'm i'm. I think i could. It takes work for me to be more affectionate and go towards people um, which is the opposite of what i i have to court her. But it's something that i definitely want to work on, because, regardless of the ways in which you know we're reacting, everybody wants to be loved, everybody wants to be seen, everybody wants to be held and it's not in any way that i don't want or need those Things but my the way that i protect myself, where i feel most comfortable is to like have a distance. I have some of that too, like i can be very like deep with someone i'm very easily, you could get super deep with me yeah. Anyone can feel like they're, my best friend like oh, my god. I love her we're so close and i'm like, but like it's just yeah, because there is some of that disassociation and that, like i love you, but also you can only be this close to me. I feel like, as we get older, because i feel like we're around the same age, all of us um - and this is not for everybody but like lately, we've been posting [, __ ] about women, not having women, friends and like being proud of it like. I don't [ __ ] with [ __ ] and it's like that's scary. It'S very scary and i've even had people in my personal dm's like well. I saw that post she posted and i was like i try to keep friends, but they they just be talking about it. This is the actual people that don't [ __ ] with [ __ ]. This is the accident, if you don't [, __ ], with [ __ ] right here and i was like the girl in my dms was like. I always try to keep friends, but they like double cross me and then we don't be friends anymore and in my head i was like [ __ ]. Every friend you ever had didn't devil cross you like. Maybe there are some things that you have, that you're not being honest with yourself with and like that's really where i think emotional maturity comes in because yeah, i think i think, a lot of times you attract what you put out, whether or not you're doing doing The double crossing, there's something about you and whatever you're doing. That is attracting that, whether it's allowing people like that into your life and ignoring the red flags or whether you are in fact doing the same thing, but in a different way, and i think a lot of women are not ready to acknowledge that and that's why, That post and that conversation was so triggering to women. People were literally arguing with us about about us trying to encourage women to be friends with women. It was crazy. I was like y'all are really mad about this, like okay, but i think it's triggering and i understand it - i mean of course women. There are a lot of hurt women out there and, like they always say, hurt people hurt people, and i mean and and that - and that goes with women and women, men and women, men and women, men and men like it, goes all the way around so um. I'M sorry, i didn't end to interrupt you, but i don't think that you did but but to get back to just what you said really quickly chanting about, like you know you disassociating from people and people like people having to work to be your friend or, like You said you have to court her. I i relate to that in ways too, because i think that i'm i'm, i always say i'm moody or whatever, like or i'm a vibe person, and so i get i give what i get and um. I think. Sometimes though, people like mis construe my energy that has been like a constant like factor in my life constantly i mean even like, and i'm and i'm insecure about it in ways, because even earlier, you said that i'm giving um like hard shell energy - and i didn't Forget that, because, for me, that's like a sore spot for me not hard shell, you were giving you that you're on top of your [ __ ] energy of like i need the time i need this. I need that was like project manager, energy. That'S a compliment from her by the way i'm a project manager, i'm just saying that people like and it wasn't like a slice of whatever you said. I it's just it's something insecure, it's an insecurity of mine, because people have always said that to me like. Oh, i can't read erica or does erica like me or like what's wrong with erica like eric, is a [, __, ] or erica's moody and i'm, like god, damn like and like honestly, i've it's become part of like who i am like, or how i identify Myself and i've only recently been like no, this is not who i [, __ ] am like. Actually, i'm a sweetheart actually like i go above and beyond. For my friends actually like. I love my friends so much like i'm, i'm there for them through whatever they need, but i think it's more of people who are not your friends who are attempting to identify your energy. It'S not like your friends being like you know what i mean. I think people who know you know you, but i think it's that in between stage of people wanting to know you and not maybe feeling the opportunity that you're, like hey, be my friend whereas, like maybe i'm like hey. What'S your name, you know like i'm much more like, but i think it makes other people uncomfortable people are uncomfortable with the fact that they don't have the they don't know like the in you're, not maybe like. Just i don't give everyone access right and that's not. That'S not really a you problem as it is, but it's not even that i don't want like it's. Sometimes it's just like. If you want to talk to me, then [ __ ] come talk to me like. Why do i have to make the effort? I think that there's a thing there's a power right and there's an energy that you can walk into a space with and hold within yourself that can be intimidating for folks and that's not your problem yeah. I know and that's and that's part and i and i i definitely carry that as well, where i'm like and that's how i felt like well, that's your problem, but then sometimes i'm like well, it's lonely, it's lonely. It is. I can identify with that because i was often like. Oh a lot of people would look at me and be like oh she's, a [, __, ] she's, this she's that and i did work to be like okay. Maybe i can be more, i can come into a space, no i'm not gon na be softer, but maybe just more open, like you're still going to get this project manager, energy you're still going to get this confident woman like you're, going to get that. I'M have my convictions. I have all those things and you're going to feel that when i walk into a space, but you can also feel an openness of like okay - i i am i'm still approachable, but you. If you approach me understand that you're getting me and and and some not everybody is gon na, like not everybody's up for that challenge, and i and i i deeply identify with that, because it does feel lonely because most times the people who are like that want The most connection, and then it's people find it hard to connect, but it's just like yeah, because i've i've i've, i feel like i've like i've tested it too. I'Ve been like okay, let me like be real nice here. We like try to be, but that's inauthentic and then it's weirdly inauthentic, but then i've done that and then it's still, i still get. I get the same results really so that i'm just like hmm. Okay! Well that now i know it's not me now! It'S just you [ __ ]. You just decided who i was before you even met me right, which, which happens a lot in female interactions too. I think women, sometimes we've been like so pitted like pit against each other, that it's almost a defense mechanism to walk into a situation. Thinking that you know what to expect from someone like: oh she's, oh she's, cute or she's, going to be a [ __ ]. Oh she's, just this or she's salty, whatever the [ __ ], crazy thoughts that we have before meeting people and we've all done it. You know what we all do has evolved or is empowered or whatever the [ __ ]. You know situation that we're in we all do that, we've all like we naturally, i feel like make up story lines to make ourselves feel more comfortable, and you have to work out of that, which is really the point of this conversation. It'S like what what are parts of me that i need to work out of right like i have to be realistic when i make negative thoughts, even about myself that are not true to to to snap back like not [, __ ] you're, making [ __ ] Up and the same thing, if i go into a room with women, and i feel like someone's not being receiving of my energy or if i'm being kind - and i feel like [, __ ], is being short or like giving me a half smile like okay. Maybe i need to like try like try again, maybe she's going through some [ __ ]. Maybe i don't know really what i don't know what her experience has been with women and obviously there's a limit, but i do feel like it's necessary for all of us to constantly you know. Obviously you know if you've tried too hard and you're like all right. [ __ ] [, __ ] you or when it's like. Let me just reapproach this and take away those negative thoughts that i've maybe made up in my head and try to reapproach the situation, because we don't know everybody and we don't know everybody's [, __, ] resting, [, __ ] face or everybody. You know what i mean and even for me, like i'm, a super friendly, [, __ ] and i've even heard, like i think, she's fake, like she's too friend, like she's, too friendly she's too high he's like something right: [, __ ]. If you see me on monday or friday, drunk or not, i'm gon na be dancing around the room by my [ __ ] self. Now, if you have a problem with that, that's personal, but even me being as friendly as i am, i've heard people make assumptions about me. So it's like it's not it's! It'S really just accepting that people are going to make assumptions about you and you have to be like either we're going to smile. Our way out of him or you're going to you know, keep it moving, and it often doesn't have anything to do with you. I think that's the most important thing it's like i. I just have to be aware of my own thoughts and responsible for my own thoughts and the responses that they're bringing up in me, and i can't worry about that. Other person tripping or like off-centered by my presence or whatever that's their responsibility, um but yeah. It'S really interesting. I have i'm sorry. I keep going back to the scorpio scorpio, but i have a friend in my life she's like she. All her plans are in scorpio and she's, this very she's an enigma to me, and i love the way that she doesn't necessarily come into a room, she's powerful as [ __ ], but she doesn't come in and be she's not like uh. You know to some. She could be too reserved or off-putting or like a [ __ ], but to me what she does is she makes me realize and see the the energy that i'm bringing to the situation and how i'm trying to perform this this this thing that people do hey: How you doing, what are you doing? How are you and it's not like she's, not engaged but she's, not doing the performance she's being herself, and i love that about her, because it makes me step and be like well. What am i expecting? What am i wanting from her she's being her whole ass self? What am i, what is this dance that i'm trying to do with her and why don't you stop doing it and just be in presence with her, because that's what she demands that you do is just be there and be yourself and not do this song and Dance that i find is so performative when we don't know somebody or we're just getting to know somebody filling up the silence with yeah and she's, just like she's, not here, for it she's not being rude or anything she's, just and she's powerful, but she's, not gon. Na, like do this thing and - and it makes me - i love hanging with her because it i i show up differently or i like try something else, and it makes me feel more centered in how i want to show up authentically versus like how you want to Feel how you want to feel like do. I feel like talking to this [ __ ] right now, not really like it's okay, we don't have to fill up like i don't have to make you feel comfortable. It helps me to feel comfortable in myself, rather than looking for her to like calm me down or like make it. Okay reassure you. I think it's it's a powerful thing to have that, naturally, because i feel so much more anxiety when i feel like i'm have to be performative like, and i i i i have some social anxiety and it usually comes from when i'm like. Okay, like i got ta like be on, i don't want her to think i'm a [ __ ] like let me talk, oh god, jamilla's here and she's, going to talk to everybody. So i got to talk to everybody and then sometimes i'm like you know what let me get, i'm so glad i have jamila let that [ __ ] talk to everybody. I'Ma sit right here and i'm gon na be that [ __ ]. I just don't feel like talking or i'm just chilling or, like you know, i'm just existing. Why is my existence a problem, but it's definitely something that i've i'm still even currently working through so much so that even that comment that you didn't even know bothering me bothered me: no, don't apologize, it's my own personal thing and that's why and that's why i Brought it up and that's why i brought it up, because i i realized that it still triggers me anyways and and it's something that, like i'm so happy to see it, that i do have to work through and it's something that people have identified have made part Of my identity and even on the podcast, you know when people meet me like, oh my god, you're so much nicer than i thought you would be. Oh that's even on the retreat they're like, oh my god, that's so erica. I was like [ __ ]. I just met you in person right now. You don't know me, i guess my question would be then what do we do? Because if, if other people are doing that to us, we're doing that to other people? So how to? How do we hold ourselves accountable when we're entering spaces to give folks grace and to allow them to be who they are? Like i'm thinking in my head, like how many times have i walked into a space and decided that somebody was something i think it has. A lot to do with how we allow ourselves to show up and how we accept ourselves. I think, when you accept yourself as you are, you feel less pressure to project that judgmental energy like even for me like i am. I have a very hyper personality like i'm, not hyper but like when i get around people. When i get around a group of people, i do get energized by meeting new people and it's like a curse and a blessing because i'm like oh new people, new friends, you know and i'm like sometimes like [, __, ], calm, the [ __ ] down, and I'M like i'm excited, though you know like stop in my hand like stop talking, i'm like i can't. Where are you from? What'S your name? What'S your song stop talking? What'S your relationship like with your mom, what's the shadow work that she did last night? Are you nervous that is me i'm like every day i'm like, i think, i'm just i'm hanging out with these new people and we've had a deep session she's like. Why do you have this much energy? I'M like i don't know. I thought you said you were tired. I was like i was and then i met new friends um and it's a part of that has been with me having to accept that. That'S who the [ __ ], i am. I i get energized by meeting new people. I, like music, i like to dance and drink. I like to like talk a lot sometimes, and sometimes i'm not. Sometimes it's not that, but most of the times it is, and if someone is, it doesn't sit right with people and they're like oh, that [ __ ] is a lot. It'S probably because they're, not my people and that's okay, and it's like knowing myself accepting myself accepting, even when i get into a crowded room with new people, and i'm talking a lot it's just like [, __ ], you like don't think about it after it's over. You already talked a lot like. I think it's also that, like there's duality, everyone has duality right like i feel like for me. I can be that person too, and then i can be that person. I cannot be that person. Sometimes i don't want to [ __ ] talk and i think that's confusing for people, though, because they're like what did we just meet her last week and she was all over the room talking to everybody, why she's so quiet now? Is she okay? You know it's like well today, i don't feel like it. You know and like and honoring that, because sometimes i don't feel like and then i do. I feel obligated because you said you met me last week and i was so friendly and generally i am that person, but it's just like allowing yourself to flow with the ebbs and flow of exactly how you feel and exactly of how other energies make. You feel. Not everyone is going to [ __ ], push you to be feel engaged and that's fine. You know, there's people, i can sit in silence with and that's fine, but i think like we will. Even on this retreat. We went with like 40 women, 43 women. We have no clue who they were in the first six days on one property, one trip - and there was a lot of like you know - we're obviously there to cater to women. But i i i there was a lot of that like it's, okay to just relax. We could all be here in silence. Other people could talk amongst themselves, like i don't have to be the hostess with moses at all times, and it's just allowing like literally the vulnerability of just being, i think, establishing that as well. I was watching a youtube clip of adrian marie brown and she was giving a talk and she was just like just so. Everybody knows this is around my bedtime. I'Ve just taken some black tea, so i could be energized for you all, but if my energy is low just understand and she just established the expectation she set the tone for the talk for the space - and i was like that is such a powerful tool that We don't utilize enough where we just tell people this is where i'm at i'm gon na start doing that. Yeah, hey, don't you know, i'm kind of like. I know our dinner. We just got here but um, i'm gon na be kind of quiet, disrupting the performance. Yeah, you know you guys have really shot tequila, i'm a little hyper. I might ask you a lot of questions. Let me ask you the same question four times. Forgive me, i'm hyper as [ __ ]. This is generally my personality. I might dance with your [ __ ], it's nothing personal. I just like to dance. If your friends dancing with your [ __ ], no go, i mean my imaginary person. It depends on how she's in somewhere i'll be like. Oh, that was cute talk to me in the back i saw. I saw you guys at the episode recently about, like i'm just touching on this briefly, because i know it's old now, but like about the woman who said her friend, she doesn't trust women to sleep over her friends and sleep over her house and she acted like She wasn't gon na. Let me sleep over her house when she got it. So the question was the question was: what was the question? The question was undetermined. She said that i think it was an undetermined amount of time right. Like your friends, the girl, the girl, said that her friends, when they come in to visit her can't stay at her house. Did she put something? No, i would never do that, but i wasn't pertaining to the fact that, because she lives with her man yeah, so many people have told me that if i don't have snapchat snapchat signals, apparently the calculator app the calculator is a different calculator. I have that [ __ ], oh, where you can hide your little flowers in there you'll see how wow i'm like. I got my little quote and i don't want them on my regular feed. So sometimes you take something you're like i need to save this. For the archives, but if i ever lost my some of the codes on the side, there's so many cheaters on the game right now. No, it's not you can't! You know this app is the one that i have. You can't interact with other people, it's just for photo storage and video storage. It'S like the icloud, but no it's just like it's. It'S like it doesn't hit an album right, but she yeah, but she okay, but it's the hidden album, but in in disguise of the calculator app okay. Maybe that's where i need to start putting my videos for my for my daughter not to find, because i don't worry about the hidden album, because i have some [ __ ] in there. No, no put it in the car i'll show you, okay! Yeah! Can you show me that literally my daughter was here earlier when we were recording and she had my phone and like at least seven times i was thinking to myself like oh, my god, she doesn't even have a lock on her phone. Yes, i do. Oh, you do not know she didn't uh-huh. Okay, that's yeah! That'S healthy! Have you checked his phone for snapchat no before he don't have sex? How have you guys been in a relationship about four years now? Okay, yeah? He better not have no [ __ ] central. I just couldn't believe his calculator admits. He'S blowing my [ __ ] mind. I can't wait to share with so many likes. Well, speaking of i guess, being a hoe um and hiding things um, we have a segment on a show called horries. I don't know if you guys have any stories or hotels. You would like to share. Go ahead. Girl go off. Oh my gosh. I don't honestly it's dry over here. I told y'all that on the text i said it's tricky, but i did. I had a lovely. I don't think it's a hoary or a hotel. I had a lovely exchange with someone over the summer and it was like it was. I met him and said to him. I don't want the night to end and we had a great exchange. It was amazing. I came back to the she was up and now i came back to the hotel, walking in and salter and like everybody was texting me where i was at. I was doing things so i was hype boots and then i tried to i learned very quickly why a one-night stand is a one-night stand. I tried to recreate that. I tried to keep that same energy. The next time i ran into him - and my breasts are large and they're real. So when they're not in a bra, they hang low like the sweetest of chariots. They were swinging and that man who i had such a great exchange with it wasn't working and the moment when i realized that it wasn't going to work was when he took both his hands, and he went like that to my nipples. I swear to god on my [ __ ] life and i looked at him and i was on top of him and i was like did he just go like that because your nipples are, and it just was like a reminder of like wow, you have very Low hanging fruit - maybe he was just like being freaky, he couldn't have done anything else, but he cho he could have lifted them up, he could have squeezed. I i think i feel like he hesitated and after that i was like okay, i've checked out, and so i'm done and i was like i disassociated and said to myself: okay, i'm good, and now you have to come, and i just did what i knew was Gon na make him come and i just rolled over it was like cried yourself to sleep. I hate it here i was so upset, so maybe it was a love tab, maybe no! No! No! No, it was not. It was the same girl if i could do on his mic. Give me your hand. It was like imagine that on your nipples, why would he do that and - and i was like - be nice - i remember saying that like being like, why didn't you say anything?