Social Media, Natural Hair, And The Conversation That Won'T Go Away
- Posted on 20 July, 2022
- Headband Wig
- By Anonymous
This might be the roughest I've ever looked on camera...and this might be the most honest video I've ever made so you know...balance. This video is my response to a situation that exploded on social media in the last week surrounding a young content creator, her exploration of her natural hair, and social media's habit of invalidating people when they voice uncomfortable truths.
Content Sampled/Mentioned In Video:
Lip Gloss Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2n_g...
Lip Gloss Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@lipglossssssss...
Kimberly Foster Video About The Situation: https://youtu.be/boSVkI-UY-g
1973 Special Report: https://youtu.be/Y5YbHA0-FjU
Tiffany Ferguson: https://www.youtube.com/user/tiffanyfe...
Hello and welcome to my channel so um. I know i look a little bit different today, um, i didn't go all out with the uh wigs and while i'm wearing my trusty dusty headband wig, but i don't have on like lashes and makeup and all that stuff and that's because i'm on a little bit Of a staycation, i consider it a staycation i'm just in austin texas, but um yeah. I did bring my equipment though, and i knew i said you know you might have to make a video or two while you're gone and that's for two reasons. The first reason is because i'm not one of those youtubers who, when i upload a video, it automatically, gets like a hundred thousand views um that would be so nice or especially those ones where their videos get like a hundred thousand views and they're always sponsored those People can afford to do like one video every week or one video every two weeks but um when you're a a lower to a middle to lower range view. Youtuber. Like me, you have to kind of consistently make content in order for this job to be worth your time. The second reason why i brought my camera is because i knew there were some issues i wanted to weigh in on and based on, like my energy level, and you know how well they kind of stuck with me that was going to decide whether or not i Decided to actually go ahead and make the video the subject of this. Video, though, has not been able. It hasn't been able to come off my mind. It hasn't been able to come off my spirit, um and the internet is not letting it go either and i'll be honest with you when i saw this whole situation kind of unfolding. It obviously reminded me of my experience with pretty privilege, and i want to hereby coin the phrase you've been pretty privileged, and by that i just mean you have made something. You have said something online. That has deeply angered people to the point where your one little video has spread to many different formats, many different forums and gone viral in many different ways that you did not expect the subject of this uh particular pretty privileging was somebody that i brought up before She'S, a young lady who goes by the name of lip gloss, i don't know her real name. I don't know if anybody on the internet knows her real name. I'Ve talked about her before because i talked about her when i did my video about like reactions and all that stuff. I talked about the kind of people who are able to. I thought at that time get away with talking about certain types of content: um. For example, this is one of her latest videos, and you all know this one for me right: okay, just really quickly, it doesn't take a dummy to realize why um, just even if you look at those two thumbnails, why are perhaps similar messages? Besides everything else that i'm about to point out, why are perhaps similar messages are received differently, um, as somebody who has a whole media degree and at one point wanted to be a comedy writer. Her tone is comedic. You can just tell from the title, whereas my tone was, you know, sort of battling through the depths of hell and trying to balance out. You know the insecurities that i felt you if you've seen the video you've seen the video. So i think really tone is everything when it comes to attracting an audience and what people think of you and if i'd wanted to come out with the hee-hee-ha-has about the situation i obviously could have. But i didn't that's not what i was feeling at the time. I was actually extremely sad about it. Um because i mean we were in the middle of a pandemic. I was realizing that you know i had spent years dating in a city where i wasn't valued as a woman, and i had possibly spent up all of my childbearing years in that place, and i just had wished that maybe people found me more attractive. Maybe that would have made it easier so uh. Definitely, though, i'm not saying that we're saying the exact same thing in the exact same way, you are always going to attract more flies with honey instead of with vinegar, and i think she is a perfect example of that people want to listen to her say these Things because she's funny, it's she's witty it's! You know it's it's interesting and cute the way that she presents these things and actually, when you click on the video and you watch it she's, incredibly insightful and intelligent and so um yeah. I'M done i'm not a dummy. I do understand why the two things are interpreted differently, but i just wanted to point out that we do talk about similar things um, as as do most women of color, especially most black women, of color, who find themselves emoting and on the internet, her audience for The most part, the reaction to her for the most part, is extremely positive. There are people all over tick, tock that stitch her videos and they have nothing but really kind things to say they're like thank you for speaking up for us. I think in a lot of ways, she benefits from something called in group bias where a group of people have basically decided that hey you're, one of us and whatever you say about our experience, goes um. For example, there was a young woman who made a video. Her name was kiara bro, bro cara bro. She made a video, and she said that - and i talked about that one before on this channel, but she basically said that whenever women wear makeup, whenever they invest in their appearance, whenever they do their skin care routines, all they're doing is decorating their cage. People were pissed off, the i mean they canceled kiera was was, was the vibe that people were experiencing and then lip gloss came through and she made a video and she was basically like hey. Isn'T everybody tired of doing their makeup all the time of having to do their hair all the time all these workout routines like have to be the right body, but it's really tiring and i think i'm just going to stop doing it yeah. I don't think it's worth it anymore. I think if i was really to think about it, it's not because i want to do it because it's like like it was a very similar message, but when she said it there were people posting her all over twitter. One. Lady was like the way she's right, and i saw somebody write in the comments of that particular video um from lip gloss. They said, isn't that what that kiera girl was saying and the consensus was kiera could not say it, because, as a lighter skinned individual with a looser hair texture, she was the beauty standard and she automatically benefited from you know, being beautiful in society without having to Participate in these systems, and so she doesn't have the right to criticize people who have to do that to gain visibility, whereas people were invertingly saying by co-signing lipgloss's video hey, we understand you don't benefit from the beauty standard. So if you don't want to do it anymore, what a free thing to do, what a free thinking thing to do, because a lot of times, people that don't benefit from the beauty standard, feel the pressure even more to have to participate in those systems in order To gain that visibility, and not that i'm saying that this young woman isn't beautiful, i'm just saying that there is a societal standard of beauty that most people would say. Kiera fits that lip gloss doesn't fit, and please remember that societal standards of beauty are subjective and a lot of times they are [ __ ]. So that being said, i have talked about her before um, i feel like she is in a great place. She reminds me of myself, like 20 years ago, with a lot of the things that she's talking about um her emergent ideas about you know her natural hair, her emergency ideas about who will find her desirable, her emergent ideas about how to conduct herself and society they're. All things that i think women go through, specifically a certain type of woman, specifically a certain type of black woman, and so when i look at a lot of her content, i'm like man, if i had had a phone in 2002 man - i i don't know where I might be, but this particular video from her really shook me up because again, like i said she was, she was pretty privileged um. She made a video and, while the contents of the video, in my opinion, were innocuous, and while she wasn't saying anything brand new that had never been said before, for whatever reason people picked this up, the people in this situation were black men, who felt that she Was blighting them with her statements, they picked this up and they proceeded to launch a basically it's cyber bullying campaign against this young woman, and it was it was. It was traumatizing to watch unfold, the way that they went about doing that kimberly foster. She is a youtuber, and you know culture commenter and her reach is much farther than mine. So she's already made a video about this. That has like over a hundred thousand views by now. By the time i upload mine, um and so i'll link her video below. If you haven't seen it, she goes into the details and has the clips from lip glosses videos so on and so forth, where she talks about like exactly what happened. But for me what i wanted to talk about is: why do we consistently invalidate people's realities? Why is a community? Why is a black community? Why is an internet community? Do we consistently tell people? Your truth is not a truth just because it might be an inconvenient truth, and when i saw what happened with lipgloss, i said i don't think she necessarily needs me to come to her defense, because, unlike what happened to me last summer, there's a ton of people That have already done that. There'S a ton of videos out there, there's a ton of stitches where people are like hey you're, not gon na. Do this to our girl like this? No. But i would like to fortify her narrative with several narratives of my own. A few weeks ago, a youtuber that i followed him tiffany ferguson uploaded a video where she was like youtube, is really dry right. Now, like everybody's kind of doing the same thing - and i think that's especially true if you fall into a certain niche um and so me being a black woman of a certain age, there are things that i'm going to talk about that, i know have already been Covered by lots of other people, there are things that i'm going to talk about, that other people will talk about and they'll get tons more views than i do, and so i was thinking i was like well, you know what different take or opinion can i bring To this issue, that's already been dissected so much by the time i upload my video and that's just it. I literally i have lived these experiences when that young woman in her video said with my natural hair, i can only date white men. I'Ve lived that experience. I'Ve lived being completely invisible to black men with a twist out with um afro-kinky twists with my hair, completely shaved, bald completely invisible and i've lived white men going out of their way to get to know me, and so, if somebody's saying oh well, you're a liar You'Re, a liar i've got stories on stories on stories, but i've also lived other experiences and i think it's important to talk about the ones that do not support what she was saying, because so often when black women talk about their experiences dating the rescue, the lifesaver. That'S thrown out to them is well, you just got ta get a man outside of your race and that's not always true. Black women can definitely face bias in any community, because well that's what systemic oppression does you don't escape it just because you talk to people that are of a different race, especially the people. That are the reason why well, their ancestors at least, are the reason why the systemic oppression exists in the first place, but i'll get to that in a moment. So the first thing i want to talk about, though, is let's say: you're watching this video and you're, not a black woman. Why is natural hair so important? Why do we keep going back to this conversation? Because it's not a new conversation when i saw that there were criticisms out there about me, people saying: oh well, you know she doesn't want to wear natural hair. You know she's anti-black, she's anti-blackness. She doesn't wear natural hair she's chasing the white gays. I you know not only were the people that were saying it, they were teething or maybe not even thought of - maybe they weren't even fetuses. When i first went natural um, i realized that natural hair in the black community a lot of times for a lot of people still symbolizes the most evolved and the most aware of your blackness. That you can possibly be - and i want to attribute that to the thinking um that started, i'm going to say it started back in the 1960s. You can disagree with. You could just agree with me if you want, but um there's this wonderful clip that was floating around tiktok and floating around the internet period back in 2020 and it's of kathleen cleaver and she was a civil rights activist and she's, describing why black people in the 1960S, after years of doing perms and flat ironing their hair and trying to make themselves as close to whiteness as possible, why they were finally changing their minds and deciding to wear their hair natural. All of us were born with our hair like this, and we just wear it like this, because it's natural, because the reason for it, you might say, is like a new awareness among black people that their own natural appearances, physical appearance, is beautiful and it's pleasing to Them for so many many years we were told that only white people were beautiful, only straight hair, light eyes, light skin was beautiful, and so black women would try everything they could straighten their hair, lighten their skin. To look as much like white women. This has changed because black people are aware and white people are aware of it too, because white people now want a natural fig. They want wigs like this dig it. Isn'T it beautiful all right. So, as you can see from that clip, it's not a new idea to say i'm wearing my hair natural and in that and in that decision i am declaring that my blackness is good, that it is beautiful that i do not need to be. You know approximate to whiteness to be a valid human being, and i think that a lot of people take that idea and they run with it and they say: okay. Well, if you're not doing your hair like this, if you decide to do anything different, then that means you're denying your blackness and that conversation has ebbed and flowed over the years. I was never one who thought that way because i didn't go natural because i was standing tall in my blackness. I went natural because it was the best decision for my hair at the time i was 18 years old and i had lived with my hair constantly. Breaking under perms, i you know, was seeing what was happening with women in my family, the older women in my family. What happened to their hair over time - and i decided that i didn't want to - i didn't - want that - to be my hair's future. Also, i was working at a seafood restaurant and i walked up to a lady and like gave her their gave them their waters or whatever, and i saw her hair and i was like - oh my god, your hair's, so beautiful she's, a black woman and um. She was like, oh okay, well, these are called two-strand twists and i said well, how do you do that and she said: oh well, when it's wet, you know it, i don't. She says i don't have a perm and i was like okay and she said when it's wet. I take two strands. I twist it, and sometimes i wear it like this. Sometimes i take it out and i have what's called a twist out and that woman changed. My life with that conversation and so for me, natural hair, has always been a choice related to the health of my hair. I'M not going to sit up here and pretend like it's not a hassle to do sometimes, and so therefore i don't judge other people for saying you know what there's enough of this, i'm going to go back to getting a perm for me, it was never about You know asserting like this is my blackness, and this is who i am. I am beautiful. I am black. I always believed that i knew that the world thought differently, but i always believed i was. I was beautiful. I was good enough and i think that that was why i felt brave enough to do what i did with my hair at the time that i did it because back in 2002, we didn't have natural hair youtube back in 2002, there were no hair influence back In 2002, there wasn't even i mean what was even on the market, like, i think i just want. I think i used pantene pro v to wash my hair all these new hair products, all these new things that didn't exist back then, when i decided to go natural, it was completely a decision of what's better for the health of my hair and honestly, since i Went natural i have had longer hair i've had shorter hair. I'Ve been completely bald two times my hair very much grows and flows with me in the different stages of my life and as far as you know how i wear my hair when i get here on youtube um. I was thinking about the other day and i was like yeah. This is probably the closest i'm gon na get to an actual media career. So for me trying on different wigs and doing different things, it's like hair and makeup. It'S like, let's, let's put on a show, it's fun. I think as a black woman transformation is my birthright. We have gone through so much because of the world's insistence upon trying to convince us that we are not enough that we've become brilliant engineers of appearance of of perception. Oh you'll, respect me more. If i present myself this way, look what i can do, and so you know for me, i'm like challenge accepted i'll, try the different things because they're out there to try, but my hair has never been to me a outright symbol of how i feel about myself And my blackness, it is a part of me and i am good, so it is good, but for a lot of people, that's not true for a lot of people wearing your natural hair is the ultimate symbol that you have accepted your blackness, and so that's why The conversation never goes away and that's why it's so exciting, sometimes especially for young women who have grown up in environments where you know texturism ran supreme and if you don't know what texturism is, it is the preference of looser hair, textures textures that are closer to Whiteness over kinkier, hair, textures and so growing up with that sort of always looming overhead. When you finally decide to step out and to do things with your hair and to make your own rules, it can be just a really really brilliant and exciting period of time. In your life, and so i totally understood why she was making those videos and why she was saying hey and i mean do - i always have to like twist it out and do i have to do this. Do i do that? No, you can do whatever you want. I think everybody had the issue when she decided to say okay well, when i do this, though it'll change, who i'm attracted to, especially when she claimed that in her most natural state as a black woman, the people who would reject her the most were black men And to that i want to ask a question: why are we still pretending that that's not true black men, a lot of times are the biggest oppressors when it comes to desirability and black women. There is an interview, i'm going to link it below and i'm not going to play it here because of copyright. But this interview is from, i believe, it's from the 1960s or early 70s, and there is a group of black thought leaders, professors, speakers and they are discussing black men's attitudes towards black women when it comes to dating when it comes to marriage. This is in the 1960s and 70s, and this woman is speaking. These people are speaking and they're talking about it like it's something that's been going on for years. That was 50 years ago 50 60 years ago, and the gist of the conversation is black. Men see themselves at the bottom of the social hierarchy and they see other women and other people closer to the top and being at the bottom of the social hierarchy means everything about you is at the bottom. It means your skin, your hair, your body, your family, the woman you came from, and so, if you want to rise in society, then you've got to figure out a way to get out of the bottom, and it starts with the way that you look, and maybe You can't fix yourself, but if you go get yourself a partner who's going to change the way your offspring look well, you can fix it for them, and these people are talking about this. Like i said this is 60s and 70s a few weeks ago, i saw this on tick tock as well, an old interview from eartha kitt resurfaced, and in this interview she had this to say about her relationship with black men at the time so artha faced a Lot of backlash, because when she did get married, she married a white man, so she was asked. Do you think you faced a lot of resentment just because you were married to a white man and she says: oh yes, that caused the resentment. I was married to bill mcdonald in 1960. People would say well why didn't you marry a black man? I would reply because the white girls had them the men. I wanted to be with sidney. Poitier harry belafonte dated predominantly white women. I'M talking about the 50s when harry belafonte picks me out of his bed in philadelphia and said. I don't want you to take me seriously, because no black woman can do anything for me. I could not help him to progress into where he was going to go. A black woman would hold a black man back. That'S what he told me if i wanted to marry a black man. There wasn't one because the white girls had them a couple of days ago. This clip showed up on to tick tock, and i believe this is vlad from vlad tv people have um discriminating opinions about him, but it is what it is and he is interviewing a young man. I have no idea who this is. I will put his name on the screen, but this is what this young man had to say about how he feels when it comes to the women that he can date. I ain't gon na lie. What do you say? I'M already black, only no black, [ __ ] right. That'S what he said. Yeah ain't gon na lie. I can't have to cut like. I know if i'm [, __ ] with you, i'm black and [ __ ] right, i'm black [, __, ] yeah black is beautiful, though man. So i know if, if i fought with a black bear, we will have a black eyed baby. So i ain't with that what come already black before so i can't no well, i mean this is an interesting thing. You know i mean like so, if you have a baby, you don't want your baby to be the same complexion as you. Why it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing? What do you mean like it's a dark-ass shade that bit yeah nah? I can't okay. Is your mom same shade as you nah she's here, carmia mocha? Okay, so your dad is darker yeah, okay, nah! That'S! Oh! What you talking about! I'M black, you see that blood, so your dad is actually darker, yeah yeah. Okay, have you? Has your mom ever said that she doesn't want her grandkids to be? No, there are so many people, so many black women who have been in situations where their own men we're our own men have told us. You are not good enough. You are not good enough because you represent the bottom of society. Keep in mind that ranking is the result of systemic oppression. It is a subjective ranking. It is only true if you believe in it: okay really quickly, um. We all know that oppression exists, whether or not you believe in it or not. Um. Here i was referring more to the fact of sort of taking an end for yourself kind of like you know the things i talk about when i talk about the politics of desirability or pretty privileged or whatever like. I know, you know. Oh hey, this group of people might think of me this way, but when i value myself or when i evaluate myself, i don't think of myself in the same terms as they do, and so what i'm saying here is, in my opinion, what happens with black men Is they take in these messages and they take this messaging in and instead of rejecting it and not all black men? Let me make that clear, not all black men, but you do have. You do have a number of them who will take this messaging and take this in and instead of saying, okay! Well, that's how the world thinks of us, but this is how we value ourselves in our community. They will then take that messaging and say: okay. Well, how can we not be a part of that? I need to be better than that than that judgment than that ranking, and that means that i can't procreate with a certain type of woman. That means that i can't date a certain type of woman, because i want this social clout so, instead of using the opportunity to you, know sort of reject and then reflect back into the world stronger opinions of yourself and your people. What, instead, we see, is accepting these labels, accepting this negativity and then spewing it out onto whomever reminds them of this criticism, which, in a lot of cases, is black women, but they really really believe in it and whether or not they take that belief and they Turn it into who they allow to get into the vip section at a club, whether they take it to who they allow to be in a music video, whether they take it to who they will allow themselves to date. That'S why i always. I never want to judge anybody for their preference when they're dating, because i know myself i've i've dated interracially and it's never been for hypergamous reasons. It'S never been because i think the white man is here to save me and it's never been because i want my kid to have good hair. It'S been because at the time that person matched my energy and so what i try and do, and because i understand it to be true as well is anytime, i see an interracial couple. I say perhaps they were the best match for each other at the time. But because i also know that black men do think a lot of them do think. Like the examples i've just presented, i can't help but raise an eyebrow and wonder if their preference is really just prejudice, especially when i see so many of them come out on social media and say well, i don't like black women for this and i don't like Black women for this - and i don't do this and i don't do that - is it your preference, because you really really just you know - have a great experience with this particular person. Or are you making a concentrated attempt to isolate a certain group away because of your own inferiority issues, which is it when i talk about my experience with natural hair, you know earlier, i said i have experienced what lip gloss was talking about as far as white Men being more excited, um white men being more into it when it comes to me and black men, though, and my natural hair, to be honest with you, i've never really gotten. Compliments uh! When it comes to black men about my about my hair. Have they complimented me about other things sure, but there have been particular instances in my life, where i knew that if i want to compete for the attention of a black man, i cannot come in with a twa. I cannot come in with my kinky hair, not stretched out, and even if i do stretch it out and put it in a twist out a lot of them. Don'T like that. It'S got to be straight or very near to straight, and if it's going to have any kind of kink it that kink need to be a curl. A couple years ago i went to chicago with some friends and they were both lighter skinned. One was biracial and one had like her: mom was spanish and black, so they were both lighter skinned and they both had straight hair uh. This was, i say a couple years ago. This is 2009, so good god, i'm old, but um. I went with them to chicago and at the time my hair was growing back from me, shaving it all off, and so it was it was. You know it was shorter, but we in here, and so what i used to do is just my little two strand twists, and so i would i would wash it condition it twist it up at night and then during the day, let it out and go and Go out and the first night i went out in chicago i'm walking around with these two girls they're getting stopped every which way they are hey. Can i talk to you? Hey? Can i talk to you? Hey, hey lama, hey how are y'all. It was like. I was a ghost i was i was. I was not there. I felt so badly about myself. Not only that, but my feet really really hurt. I was wearing these shoes from the store called charlotte ruse. I don't even know if it exists anymore, but my feet hurt so badly and i was in pain and i was like limping and i just went silent and they were like what's wrong with you. Why do you have such an attitude? Please please be more aware if you see your friend being completely excluded, no one's talking to her and she's limping draw some conclusions, man, but um. I said you know the next night - that's not happening to me, so i brought a wig with me to go out in. I put it on totally different experience, totally different experience, totally different experience. Once i was um sitting at a table with a friend, we were at like a brewery and i was sitting at a table and i was wearing a wig. I think if i have the picture i'll put it up here and this man came literally running across the street and he goes oh, my god you're so beautiful. You know, what's most beautiful about you, your hair, i love your hair so much. I love your hair and i'm just listening to him. I was like okay, okay and he said it's not like mine. You don't have this nappy [ __ ] like this, you got and finally i was like sir. This is a wig and he was like. Oh okay, uh all right, you, ladies you, ladies, have a good, have a good meal and he walked away. I have those stories, and so because i have those stories i know what she was talking about is not it's not wrong. She'S, not lying. She was not lying and what i think a lot of times happens with when, in her case in particular, is when black men hear things like that. They hear somebody say well: only white men will be interested in me. Black men. Don'T like this kind of thing. They hear an attack on them as a group of people. Instead of somebody highlighting a very real social problem. You have an entire group of women that oftentimes grow up in this world, feeling completely unlovable and unseen, because they're taking in the messages that are being constantly fed to them. One plus one is equaling two here people and i look at this and i recognize that. Okay, these men are obviously they're suffering from cognitive, cognitive bias and for me i was looking at and i was like they are. It'S confirmation, bias and attentional bias and either way it's flawed thinking. Instead of hearing what she's saying we're gon na attack, her we're gon na do what they did to her, which was i'm gon na, say a little bit worse than how people reacted to me. Um, you know, and if you know you know, and if you don't i'll just let you know they ended up taking her information and putting it on an uh, an app a dating app taking her picture and pictures of her body and putting it on a dating App and she got matches from black men to prove her wrong, but i wanted to say, as somebody who's been a long time, user of dating apps your matches on a dating app, don't actually equal the men who are actually going to do the work to talk To you, um matches on a dating app also are not equal to real life. I can go on a dating app and have 100 matches in an hour. I can go out in real life, and maybe one man speaks to me. There'S very little risk on a dating app, very little risk and most men on dating apps. They just swipe for anybody, and then they wait to see who is going to talk to them to make their actual decisions. And once i did a little social experiment, myself or i've done social experiments myself, where i've uploaded myself with different hair onto dating apps and seeing what the result is, and ultimately it's always been better when i've either uploaded it with like a straight wig or i've Done you know hair like this, like in this picture? It'S it's better, it's ultimately better um. I also once - and this is back when i first started online dating and um. I had a friend of mine and she was having a much easier time. She was like. Oh i'm meeting someone and they're talking to me they're doing this and that i was like huh i'm having a really hard time. Um. I wonder hmm, so i looked up a picture of a girl. I chose a brunette girl, next door person and um. I put her on long story short. I went from getting maybe one little. You know message a week, one little uh, someone looked at your profile to i sat there and that particular friday night got message after message after message after message. After message, hey want to go out hey what are you doing tonight? Hey, oh my god, you're so you're. So there is an absolute standard of desirability that rears its ugly head, both online and off, and when women step forward - and they say hey. This is my experience with it, and this is my story, believe them believe them now. I do want to say um in regards to what she said about dating white men or white men, loving the hair um. While i have had white men that have been very into my hair and all his incarnations, i've also had white men in my life. Tell me things like. I came to school one time, um and i had taken my hair out done a little twist out and uh. This guy asked me and i had taken it out of braids, and i think it was like a spring break thing like it was in braids before spring break and then, when i went back to school, it was um out, and i had like done it myself. He looked at me, blond-haired blue-eyed, white guy. He looked at me and with his whole chest asked me: why would i change my hair and i said: oh well, you know i had braised time to take him out and then he goes. But why do you insist on looking like buckwheat? That'S what this white man said to me with his entire chest. I'Ve had white men say to me, you know what i do like black women, but i only like lighter skinned like biracial looking black women, so yeah. I literally had to tell a white guy back in 2006. You do not get to say, you prefer a mulatta. This is not a plantation, you don't get to talk that way and he was so confused and offended. That was 2006.. I think it's very dangerous. If i haven't said already in this, video to you know, look at any particular race of man, and i mean this for anybody that throws this suggestion at black women, when black women talk about their dating life, to look at any particular race of man and be Like he's gon na be perfect to you, he's not gon na he's, not gon na disappoint me. He did a man can be a good man in any color, and a man is not more likely to be a good man. Just because he's not black - and you have so many stories of young black women that go to predominantly white universities, young black women who live in predominantly white towns, young black people that live in predominantly white towns, for example, this poor young man here who talked about How austin the city i'm currently in is so lonely for black people and it's such a hard city to date in um, black people face bias in any dating community. We do that is a result of systemic oppression and racism. We face bias. We do no one racial group is going to give us the freedom and love we desire automatically. We got to take everybody on a case-by-case basis, but i always always always advocate for young women to try, because you never know you never know what you might find and black women are the only race of women in america that can't automatically count on our men To choose us first, and that is a reality, that until we really start accepting that as a people, full stop you're going to continue to have situations like poor lipgloss. Who spoke her truth and was completely annihilated for it by a group of people. That would rather just look good and save face and protect their egos than honor. What this young woman was saying and do their best as young men in their communities to make sure young women don't feel like that anymore again, like i said, there's tons of takes about this um already online and i haven't necessarily said anything new, but i think One thing i can bring to the conversation that maybe other people can't is. I know what it's like to speak, your truth and for people to take you and make fun of you and call you out when the whole time. You were right, you were right, and so what i want to say now and i've never said it before, because i think i always do try and play nice. Maybe i don't know, but i want to say now, if you are the type of person that when somebody says this is what i've experienced, this is my truth and they can prove it with evidence. You still want to invalidate them and say no, no, no! Well. It'S because no no! No! No! No! I want you to listen and i want you to listen. Close, go [, __ ], your self go [, __, ] yourself, thanks for watching
Comments
Gymgirly: I’m a light skin black woman with short 4a hair. I believe y’all! A black guy came up to me and said once that he’d breed me for pretty babies if I didn’t have nigga naps. My jaw dropped. Don’t let them invalidate you. I’ve been wearing my hair natural DAILY since I was 17 and I’m 20 now and haven’t attracted anything but white men. Dear black girls and women, go to who loves you for YOU. You shouldn’t have to change who you are to please anyone.
StrudelD: The way grown black men (and women too) was trying to invalidate lipgloss's feelings and experiences while simultaneously proving her point.
KAY DENÉ: “As a black woman, transformation is my birthright.” - Oh Steph Co
Mylisha Hurt: This is just sad...so many men will say women are insurcure by wearing makeup and hair but literally think that thier blackness is too ugly to pass down...it's so sad
Calidee’s Life: Black women spend so much energy pretending that nothing hurts us, that when one of us has the GALL to say "this hurts", many will jump up and scream "no! that's not true! you're not doing it right! you're LYING!" ♀️ Continue to stay vulnerable, my friend. Stay human. It's your superpower.
30 Plus and Counting: Stephco, You said this is the closest that you’re going to get to an actual media career. Let me tell you honey, this is your springboard!! You’re career in media is about to grow by leaps and bounds and everything you ever wanted is about to come to you. Even better than the media career that you thought you wanted years ago. I’m manifesting for you
Rebashley: Yasss!! “ As a Black woman transformation is our birthright” Come on bald Steph!! You served that look
Ebony B: I dated black men my whole life . I ended up marrying a Peruvian man . The only men that ever put me on a marriage track was a Dominican man and my now Peruvian husband . I was not looking for him. He came after me and was the only one that actually got on bended knee . But black men online criticize me for not being married to a black man . It was not intentional. the Latino loved me and I loved him and he actually asked for me to marry him . So… what do u want me to do?
lalittl: Also, i feel like the message behind encouraging interracial dating for black women is to be open to dating outside of your race. Almost every black woman in my circle is not open to dating any other race except black men. I think the message I have heard from other camps is "stop being loyal to black men, love can come in any color, be open". Especially because that level of loyalty is not reciprocated in the black community at all. When i went to woodstock high, i remember the black boys being more racist against black women than the white boys. I had a black male friend tell me "the ugliest white woman is more beautiful than the most attractive black woman" we can't deny that level of self hatred exists and so we should all be open to finding love anywhere imo
Somebody Come Listen To This Podcast: Sis towards the end of your video u referred to black men as “Our Men”. Please try to break this habit.I know it’s hard but They have shown us and literally told us for centuries that they owe us nothing and don’t belong to us.
shutthatmouth: That part about men are men no matter the race is SO true lmao. I had a “friend” in high school (blonde hair blue eyes as well) who said he thought i was beautiful with my braids in but would pester me BAD whenever i came to school with my natural hair out. He would constantly ask when i was putting my braids back in. It’s insane to look back on cuz literally why should the way my hair is styled bother you that much??? Best believe my self esteem took a hit with how many micro aggressions i faced as a young black girl lmao.
Choklit Frekelz: My natural hair journey started in 1995 when my then husband (black) and I decided to conceive. I researched possible causes on why we had previously miscarried and hair perms/dyes were on that list. So I decided that if a baby couldn't ingest a food or use a product, then I wouldn't. We eventually had a beautiful, healthy daughter in March '97 and a handsome, healthy son in March '99. Never went back to perms, kept my hair in its natural state. I wash, condition, blue magic on my scalp, olive oil and a cream on my ends, silk pillow cases/scarves and that's it. Been doing twists and wash and go's for YEARS. Now it's hip length when stretched. To this day, I literally just let it exist on its own.
Angela Simpson: Ma'am, I am a 58 year old black woman . I was absolutely mesmerized by EVERYTHING you said. I wish I was 30 years younger or you were 30 years older. Your thoughts are SO insightful. Thank you daughter for this message.
Dina V: You have to be on another level of weird to take someone else’s pictures and make a dating profile without their permission for a “social experiment”
Andrea Clinton: The fact that so many black people tried to gaslight this young lady as if her experiences weren't valid is just ridiculous. I love that she laughed in their faces and stood ten toes down in what she said. Can you link where you got the hair love it
Cat Flon: Great commentary as usual. I no longer engage with people who gaslight us in our experiences. I have realized that they don't like these experiences discussed in the open because. They know they exist but you have to keep it quiet. They'd have to hold up a mirror. Introspection is difficult for all and impossible for most. It is what it is... Be well☺️☺️
Kay P: I’ve dated a young man, dark like me, and his mom told him to stop dating such dark women or he’d have dark babies. I was so stunned to even hear that. It’s sad.
Shree Hill: I don’t think it’s favoritism. Lipgloss is inspiring bc she has reached the level of Idgaf about what y’all got to say that many of us strive for. Sis was drug relentless on twitter and laughed in their face. She didn’t apologize she didn’t come on saying how it hurt her feelings. Sis laughed at them and kept it pushing. You two are in different places on this journey to self love is all.
Just Call Me Bon: There weren’t mad at her saying that BM don’t like her with that hair. They’ve heard that many times before and don’t care that most BW are hurting for their approval. What they were mad at was her saying she pulls WM with that hair AND SHE’S NOT MAD AT THAT. No she’s supposed to be distraught that BM aren’t paying her attention and sit there in her pity. She’s on to the next one and they’re MAD
missysmithy25: Tony Gaskins, a black man, said flat out that most interracial relationships (between BM and nonBW) are not based on the right things. I have a black male friend who said most of the time it’s based on ego, inferiority and insecurity. That’s probably why the rates of interracial marriage and divorce with BM are so abysmally bad.
Gaylyn Lareese: Honestly I look at men who think that way as simpletons. You hit it on the head Steph. They have taken the beliefs of society and accepted them without actually analyzing their validity. I want a man that’s smarter that that who is driven by their own values, not society’s. Their preference IS prejudice based on their lack of self education. I don’t want em♀️
Carli Marie: A lot to be said here, but I’ll just say this: it is both enlightening and disheartening to realize what you thought was a solitary, adolescent experience is actually a pervasive, global disease.
Princess M: I absolutely LOVE Lipglosssssssssssss!! She is SUCH a breath of fresh air. Her level of IDGAF is what I strive for, and I think that's why she has so many followers not necessarily because of favoritism. Imagine if she wasn't as confident as she is and came on here so sad about struggling with not being deemed beautiful? It wouldn't be as revolutionary. People WANT black women and girls to need their validation, they can't stand us being OKAY with ourselves. I'm 30 and learning so much from her. The world wasn't set up for unambiguous black girls with 4c hair to thrive, maybe it's time we stop fighting to be seen. And just be. As always, love the video Steph!
Nikki Q: You know what I also find interesting about black men is that while some may be colorist in their "preferences" it's a completely different thing when women show interest in mixed or light skin black men. Black men treat light skin/mixed guys so bad and make so many derogatory jokes about them. It's almost like they recognize the threat those guys have to their own desirability and bash those guys. It's just interesting because you'll have them bash light skin men and insult black women for desiring them all while trying to date light skin women themselves.
Sedi: I love lipgloss lol she's so intelligent and funny. It's unfortunate that this is still a conversation and that there are still black people who take their self hate so far. I hope and trust she'll keep her head up and in terms of those weirdos they clearly have alot of time on their hands
RDKirk: I have not been able to understand this situation, and my daughter can't even explain it to me. When I grew my 'fro out in 1968, I thought natural hair was a done thing. It was established. It was beautiful. I cannot understand for the life of me how it became controversial in the black community again. I just can't understand it. It mystifies me. But my daughter, coincidentally, mentioned to me about six months ago that when she went natural, white men started paying attention to her...not black men.
Ebony Peppers: “ As a black women… transformation is my birthright.” Wow, that is deep! GREAT VIDEO
Beautiful Dreamer: I preferred your comments on this topic. I have had a compliment from a Black, White and Asian men on my 4c hair. I have also had frowns / laughter at my 4c hair from Black, White and Asian men. So I don't put any of them on a pedal stool. I just want to be happy with me.
Esha Diva: Natural hair doesn't symbolize all this for all phenotypically black women who wear it natural. It's simply we accept our hair period. We don't want to be burdened by wearing wigs all the time lol its not a political symbol all the time and I wish people on both sides would stop saying this.
Joanna Marie Art: The fact that men thought dating profile matches meant ANYTHING is just hilarious Most men will smash literally any grown female human, and most are on dating apps to sleep with as many women as possible - NOT actually find a real relationship.
Hope: It's actually pretty sad to see "Glokknine" hate himself and his skin color live. The way he was twitching. The way he was looking around. That nonverbal communication was LOUD and idk it hurts my feelings. I bet he doesn't even look at himself in the mirror any longer than he needs to to get ready in the morning.
Cree Towery: I’m a lighter completed Black woman but my daughters father is darker skinned…when our daughter was born we were DELIGHTED to see that she had her fathers skin…I can’t fathom looking at your own damn skin and deciding that it’s not worthy of genetically passing on. What level of self hate is THAT?
Esha Diva: Yes! You finally said it "I went natural because it was the best decision for my hair" period lol for hair health and ease honestly.
ChurchofCiiku: The way Lip Gloss didn't even mention black men but a hit dog will holler.
Cece: I’m a dark skin 22 year old woman, and I can’t tell you how much this video resonates with me. Although a lot of people do find me attractive.. it’s never really for the right reasons. Not to mention that there are only so many guys out there that are attracted to dark skin black women.. I have always been oversexualized by men, even as a kid. And up until now.. men show me time and time again with their actions that I am nothing special to them. That I am not someone to be in a relationship with and that I’m only good for one thing to them. When I try to talk about my experiences I’ve had other black men and people in general tell me that it’s not about race and this and that.. but how else should I feel when I get cheated on and left for lighter and brighter women frequently? I can take accountability for the things I would accept in the past, I was still learning to navigate back then.. but ever since raising my standards and enforcing my boundaries.. i still run into the same issues.. something that may happen to other races of women, but not on the large scale or intensity that it does for us. It’s depressing and discouraging to say the least. It’s just gotten to the point where I’m literally mentally preparing myself to be at peace with being alone for the rest of my life because it’s just that difficult, traumatizing, and draining to date for me.
dnh31 tlg10: Regarding my natural hair: I am natural because I’m cheap and lazy. I refuse (don’t have the money nor desire) to pay thousands of dollars to upkeep my hair. I also have a hard time up keeping any routine; cue depression and life struggles. The ‘Miss Celie’ braids are more forgiving (easier to detangle/dematte in smaller sections) for my purposes. I’m a work in progress and my hair is a quick indicator of my success or setback.
Rosie: My daughter has a Korean boyfriend and, in the past, she had a half-White/half Taiwanese boyfriend. They both have seen her Beyoncé-looking wigs and her shrunken Afros. They have complimented both and didn’t treat her any differently without the wigs. Wish I could say the same for Black teenaged boys.
Hey girl hey! 93: “Transformation is my birth right.” I felt that in my spirit ! So beautiful
Marissa Price: I had seen this floating around but didn't have the energy to read about it - thank you for breaking it down. How they treated lipgloss is disgusting. These days, I'm longing for the times when social media didn't exist because how cruel it has become. Steph, let me know when you start accepting investors for your dating app because Black women need a safe space to meet partners if they so choose!
Ellie Strums: Been natural since 16. Haven’t attracted a black guy since my freshman year of high school. I’m 23, completely natural and have only attracted white guys. Currently engaged to a white man who loves my natural 4c hair. The way it curls up and shrinks under water and the way it moves in twists and can be shaped like cotton. He genuinely just loves my hair texture because he thinks it’s cool. Where as I’ve had many black boys and men light and dark come at me randomly about how black I am and how bald headed I was. Or I needed to get my hair “done” meaning box braids or a weave. I was just so confused as to why my hair wasn’t already done when i had just had it relaxed and cut my hair into a bob with cute bangs. And what’s wrong with being dark? What’s wrong with short hair? My hair being much longer now, I still don’t get talked to by black men unless my hair is blown out or braided. It still comes with the “it’s natural and not nappy. Back women need to stop wearing weaves and be like you.” Like hushhhh you don’t know me or what you talking about.
Debbie Brown: I went natural in the late 90’s. I did it because the cost for getting a relaxer began to be too much not because of a “black” statement. However, when I did go natural, I did feel a sense of freedom. I think everyone ought be able to wear their hair whatever way they want. I do remember two black men making fun of my hair when I transitioned. It was in the middle of the weave trend.
LM: Black men are also the only ones who feel the need to constantly ANNOUNCE their racial preferences. Like who you like, prefer who you prefer, but the need to announce it and make it so known is weird as fuck.
Naturally_Nica: It's always the gremlins favoring men that go on these shows shaving off their ashy that we are forced to deal with it As someone who isn't American the idea of "blackness" with natural hair never hit me as deeply as those who are and that changes my approach. However, to this day with the progress I've made with my hair nubian men STILL tell me it's weave or I'm nappy headed as an insult. So none of us who are unambiguously African with coily hair is safe from the ashy... Too many people in this "community" believe that your truth is not truth if it challenges the box they have chosen to put you and themselves in.
Alyssa Gant: “As a Black woman, transformation is my birthright.” I love that so much! I’m actually doing 2 strand twists as I watch this lol. ☺️
Daily Dose: The rage that BP had for Lipgloss TikTok is due to deep seeded guilt and shame.
SupaAmi: The dark skin man in the Vlad interview is so sad. His self hate is so strong and he can’t even word it. He can’t even say “I don’t like how I look, I think lighter skin looks better”. It’s like he never really thought about it, he just knows he doesn’t want his children to look like him.
Now what: Second comment: it’s strange how black men LOVE to brag about liking non black women but get angry that they have a reputation for it. They are always violent when their preferences are acknowledged in any way. It’s very sick.
Amalita: The depth and maturity of this take (and your takes in general) really do help your Youtube content feel fresh and stimulating compared to most. You are not just summarizing the "flavor of the week" like most of the gen zers who are just getting their feet wet and publicly forming fresh and budding ideas about age-old social tensions. You intertwine your years of experience, storytelling ability and nuanced opinions in a way that really gives your "media" an original and valuable highlight. I'm light skinned. I fit the beauty standard. My dad is white, my mom is dark skinned. You actually look very similar to my mother (both stunning btw :) and that's why your stories are so valuable to me. Being a "light skin" who fits the beauty standard with a dark skinned mother who didn't was painful to navigate especially because, as you articulate, nobody wants to hear our woes and I totally understand. I remember feeling shame and guilt even around age 4-5 because I knew me and my mother were having two completely different experiences because of influences outside of our control. It never made sense. How can I be "beautiful" but the literal source/mother of my "beauty" isn't? I've experienced some of those ugly stories of both black and white men as well. Some brag that they only date light skin women like I'm supposed to be flattered. One had the nerve to say my curl pattern is just right but if it were any kinkier he wouldn't like it -_- I am turned off by men who only date light skin women and see it as a BIG red flag. I need proof that the men I date have dated dark skin women (or at least different shades than JUST light) out of respect to my mother and myself honestly. I know it sounds a little weird. It's like half-white guilt (which is a real thing if you ask me). It's hard to look like you are genuinely rooting for dark skin women as a light skin woman without giving cringey white privilege/white savior energy. Like the way the internet tore Thandiwe Newton up for sharing her half-white guilt. It can EASILY look like we either pity you or embarrassingly reveal any of our blind spots because we've never experienced it firsthand. That's why I mostly shut up and just do as much as I can to prepare how my future daughters will have different experiences than me and do the most to help them understand how beautiful they are. I also tell my mom she is beautiful all the time (but she knows that lol) she always had great confidence in her beauty. Anyway, thanks OhStephCo! I agree with the comments, you looked gorge in all the different hair phases. :)
Angie In The City: I went to a bar and traded phones with a yt girl who was swiping(on bumble) as well. Not to rate someone's looks but nothing absurdly special. The way she was getting messages back from men and I couldn't even get one!? Bruh I yeeted myself off the dating apps because I know for dzamn sure I'm a catch. I'm fully prepared to live a life alone at this point Better than all this extra societal trash people choose to believe when it comes to dating out and within your community♀️
AshleyMorgan: I remember when I was on a dating app years ago I swiped a BM the first question he asked me was my hair natural or is it straight. I explained they are both my hair but I wear it mostly natural … at the time. He stopped responding I thought it was funny but in hind sight it’s actually pretty sad. I am not attached to hair in that way so I didn’t get it! Literally just hair!
Iris guzman: This guy I was with in my mid 20a, literally stood me up a few times for planned dates my hair wasn't "done" in the straightened style he loved. He Always would ask, how's your hair, did u go get it done. Now mind you, not one single time did he even offer to pay. I use to get it done every 2 weeks at the time, but sometimes. I just didn't feel like it so I wouldn't. And there goes da date lol. After a time. I use to tell him it wasn't done, even tho I just came from the shop that day or day before I was too thru with the BS. For the past 10 + years, I've been happy nappy, rockin my kinks and coils without a single bother who likes it or not. Sometimes I throw on a wig, that's just as kinky/nappy & keep it pushing. #UnbotheredIsMe
samantha sylvester: I wear my natural hair really short. Its about half an inch with a fade. Its been 2 years since i cut it. I love it. I was thinking about how i suddenly realized i have no prospects and get way less attention from men especially men in my age range(I'm 24) the only thing that changed was my hair. I felt bad about it initially but now i know whoever i end up with likes me for me because without hair I'm all face.
Jalondra Davis: My first serious boyfriend, who was a very dark chocolate, very handsome young man, told me he would never marry me because he was already too black and would have to marry a light-skinned or non-black woman to get lighter kids. He ended up having a daughter my same color and hair texture hopefully for her sake he has evolved those views. During a period of time when I was competing in beauty pageants and my hair was always straightened a guy I was dating told me that what he loved about me was that he could run his hands through my hair and not hit tracks or braids. I told him he wasn't going to like me when I put my braids back in, then. When I was competing in pageants wearing long straight hair and heels and performing more hyperfemininity, definitely attracted more what people would call "high status" men then when I was in natural hair and braids and no makeup and more casual. Now that my locks have grown pretty long I am getting more attention across the gamut again, but I'm married to the man who has loved me through every possible iteration of Black girl hair transformations. I have found that the sweet spot is highly intelligent Black men that are really comfortable in and conscious of their Black identity (but aren't Noteps, cause they get weird about what they're actually attracted to). Self-secure men would never harass a young woman online who said exactly what they know, because of their peers and friends like, to be true. I don't think white men necessarily love Black women's natural looks more, but because they are operating from a privileged position in white supremacy they don't have the same kind of conditioning (like the desire to have lighter, curly-haired women as a status symbol or to breed lighter children) that many Black men do. Like Kim said in her video on this, intraracially we have our own very particular traumas and class and color and texture and status distinctions that come out in our dating politics. The men who are attracted to unambiguously Black women (who I do believe there are plenty of) know that and wouldn't trip off of what this young woman said. It's the hit dogs who holler.
Tamaya Henry: Okay so I'm obsessed with this video cause this is my current reality as a young black women where I've been natural my whole life and I'm only now starting to experiment with my look while also just recently getting into like dating and deadass you could have stopped the video with that one question "why are we still pretending like thats not true" cause the differences in attention depending on which photos of me are on a dating app already drastic and I'm tired of men pretending like they don't see each other acting thos way
Taylor: I went natural in high school and my Nigerian crush damn near bullied me about it, wanting my hair to go back to "normal"(relaxed). A bunch of other irrelevant black boys teased me about my fro as well. Fast forward a decade or so and now, I refuse to ever date a black man again (for various reasons). Men of other races are better mates by far...it's almost unbelievable the difference in treatment.
hellodiamonds: I believe you intentionally didn’t wear makeup for this vid and the kinky hair! I’m here for it! Good job! I love you, you look perfect! Serving natural black queen
Eboni: 15:45 definitely can relate. I've worn my hair natural for most of my life and didn't start trying wigs until I was older due to health related reasons. It was also fun to try something new. However people will project their whys onto your every move versus seeking to understand and it's exhausting. So I've chosen to not care, as much as possible, because none of those same people are bringing me support, only problems because they don't want to worry about their own whys because if they did, they'd be too busy to speculate on mine.
Tee Knight: I'm married, however had I not been, a man who spends his time on the internet policing ppl for their own lived experiences thoughts and opinions would not even be on my radar. As another commentor said "simpletons ". My husband is black he loves I means loves my nature hair. And also to agree with most I've gotten the most compliments from white ppl kids women etc about my hair. Brought my daughter to a restaurant with an afro n as she stepped in, she is 5yrs old a white man complimented her on her hair. Ladies go forth and live ur beautiful natural lives, God bless!
OliveTv: I was battling cancer when I was 19.. so I lost my hair and wore wigs A lot of people couldn’t tell for some reason (Amazon wigs “anime”) So I was frail and I was always with my mom.. we would go to Walmart and the checker was a darskinned man with dreads .. I admired his hair so much! I wanted Locs . My hair is thin lose curls , but I have a big head so I never liked my hair . So the man at Walmart would always tell me I had pretty hair AkA my long pokahantas wig smh I told him I wanted Locs . The man said “don’t you mess up that pretty hair “ I said huh? So I came back a yr later with Locs .. that man was so mad an bullied me every time I went to the store.. He would shake his head with discussed I’m so confused You’re black with Locs I’m not mixed I’m black an love Locs. So why did this black man have Locs smh The worst experience for me .. But now I’m always getting compliments for my hair .. I can careless what bm think anymore It’s my hair
gravityclarity: The clip of the black guy saying he didn't want to have kids the same skin color as him was very, very sad! It's devastating how plagued we are by white supremacy. I also love what you said at the end! It's so easy for people to try to invalidate your own lived experiences and I don't know *why* that is some people's knee jerk reaction. People need to just listen to us rather than question our reality!
Planted Foods: I believe our experiences in this life, good or bad, are a vibrational match to what we believe about ourselves and the world. If you (a general you, not Stephanie directly) believe that black men don’t appreciate black women, you will only see black men who don’t appreciate black women. Your perception really is your reality. I know that there are people out there who think I’m unattractive. However, I don’t know who they are because they are not part of my world or my experience. I don’t draw them to me. I’m not saying that there are not men who don’t care to date black women, I’m saying that you don’t have to acknowledge that they exist and allow that to affect how you go about life. It’s not sad that there are men who aren’t attracted to us, it’s actually irrelevant! Personally, I live in positive thinking. Yes, “negative” things do happen to me but often times I don’t even recognize it as a negative. I try to see those things as a lesson learned or something that has helped me to grow. Our emotions are a choice – and I choose happiness daily period. It is not easy to change your mindset but it’s possible. Everyone should pick up the book Ask and it is Given by Esther & Jerry Hicks. It’s a life changing guide to bringing the things you want to you.
Amanirena II: I genuinely feel bad for Kiera Breaugh. What she said wasn't inherently wrong, but the way she said it mad people really pissed.
Nowicki K: “As a Black Woman, transformation is my birth right!… Challenge accepted” You better Preach!!
Vivi L: A lot of these sentiments are pervasive in the South Asian community as well. A lot of brown women grew up being told natural wavy/curly hair was "jungli" and were forced to tie/braid it up or blow dry it straight. It's not the same and doesn't come from the same place (though it is connected to colonialism), or play into the internalized racism South Asian men push onto fellow South Asian women. Straight hair as "good" hasn't infiltrated gendered interactions yet in our communities, but curly hair is seldom seen in media. Not to mention the complete erasure of black Indian people who are just as indigenous to the subcontinent as anyone else. And I don't mean just Indians with deeper skin tones - there are a couple of ethnicities/cultural groups in India whose features are more similar to some East African ethnicities that are completely ignored by South Asians as a whole.
Suzette Williams: Just wanted to add something I've experienced as I've got older, pushing 50 years. I'd say my dating experience in my 20s and 30s was similar. As tall BW in a predominantly white UK City I was never super popular with men. The few BM I met all dated WW and to be fair they had to beat them off with a stick as the WW just wanted to sleep with BM. However now, I get more attention from all men as I look a lot younger than my non black contemporaries. I know other BW who have experienced the same. Obviously it's not all about looks, after a lot of grafting I have my act together job and finance wise so that helps. But still for BW, even us average ones getting older evens out the playing field.
Brooklyn: Everything you said is true and I'm in my late 40s. Nothing has changed but how black women do their hair and makeup. It all becomes about attractiveness and competition. TBH our culture puts a lot of emphasis on vanity. Do what makes you happy and feel good because you're not going to be for everyone.
The Naked Truth (TNT): I've not watched all of the video but I wanted to just say I love the natural look. I'm so glad women and beginning to embrace our natural beauty. I'm the same on my Instagram. No make up is the new make up (at least occasionally).
DiAndria Smith: Girl, I had some FUN times with my hair pre-locs. I used to run and was told that it didn't make sense for my hair to be so nappy at all times (I was constantly sweating out perms). And the climax of my processed hair journey came soon after that when my cousin glued in tracks and left me to be "cute" for 2 months. Then, to touch it up, she removed that hair, "washed" that glue out and PERMED my hair, AND glued in more tracks. Then, 2 months after that, she again "washed" that glue out and did a quick weave (a bad one where I could see the tracks). As a high schooler who knew nothing about hair, I did not realize my hair was breaking, breaking, breaking underneath all this stress. But I did know that quick weave was bad. So I got some baby oil and decided to remove the hair. That's when I realized my chin-length bob was coming out by the chunks and my hair was damn near gone lol. I cried and cried and cried. Had to have a professional wash my hair for about an hour to remove all of the glue and residue. After that, my hair never was the same. So I got it chopped and started over, finally deciding to get locs. It was the best decision I ever made for my hair. So I completely understand when you say you took the natural hair journey because it was healthy for your hair. That's not everyone's story, but it sure was mine
Merlzzz: I love this video Steph i wish people would just stop invalidating other peoples feelings and experiences and instead analyse why they're so triggered by someone else 's truth
saraaah: Can I just say I’m literally stunned by your beauty ? Like is that weird to say? When I opened the video I was just amazed ur skin so so beautiful and ur hair as well
See Ia: And also I think lipgloss was talking about her experience with black men in her age group (18-23) let’s be honest boys that age don’t really like short 4c hair. A lot of them prefer the looser curl look. It is what it is ♀️
Dawn Of Kelly: The age old adage that rings true here, “they can dish it out but they can’t take it”. Men and people in general who don’t want other people to “prosper and be in health” so to speak, especially people they see as competition and feel the need to conquer, will never give you time space and opportunity to heal yourself. When we go on these public campaigns to “heal ourselves“ and even to help others heal, know that the enemies of your healing will be right there to try to stop you. In this case, you have to decide which one is more important, a personal peaceful healing journey or a public combative healing journey. Unfortunately, because of the unfortunate human condition, I believe it’s one or the other. With that being said, if you do choose a public means of speaking out for healing and purpose, then do what you can to protect yourself, rake in the spoils; the money, the fame, the opportunities and realize that there will be opposition to healing ourselves and even more when we endeavor to help others heal. ✨✨
sarah James: You don't look rough at all! You look great!
Ronald Mcadam: If my daughter needs validation should I teach her what it means to be validated by others? How do I teach my daughter what identifies her true spirit and how does this reflect of her expectations of society as a whole. The world is not cruel and full of ugliness? Yes, how I portray myself reflects on my children. I cannot control what others think. My success is not defined by how I look. Is Black hair natural a bad or good thing? I have family members who cannot afford extensions or false hair. Is this a bad thing? Is being Black only an American thing? Why is this discussion have such tunnel vision as if natural black hair is limited. Black hair comes in many different pleasures and should be embraced as such no matter the course. Yes, we pull each other down for being natural or unnatural, but do we have bigger priorities outside of the superficial that defines how beautiful we are as a culture? Or do we have discussions supporting just how limited people may see us in how we define ourselves by hair?
Creative Frequency: I honestly feel like people are intimidated by black women especially black women with short 4c hair. It screams confidence & a lot of people are only on those apps to play games & they know who to play with. There’s something elegant about having short natural hair as a black woman & if you lack self confidence you would never approach someone like that. My boyfriend actually supported me & picked out my 4c fro & made me wear it out & feel beautiful & confident. It’s not all black men but they are the loudest because they want their ignorance to be heard to justify their self hate & lack of confidence in themselves. He was literally looking at his skin in disgust & it’s really about their self image, women will always be beautiful no matter what shade they are.
Natrelle Tyson: Lipgloss has inspired me to not be sad about people not picking me because I’m being my most authentic self. I was doing it before I about her but now I’m never stopping! She truly does articulate all my bottled up experiences of being a black women in a beautiful way and really puts it in perspective!
Staci W: One of my professors saw my mom and referred to her as a beautiful Octoroon like Lena Horne. I’m not going to lie I didn’t know what meant so I looked it up and ♀️ I definitely had a conversation with him about it. For an older white man he seemed open to learn why that was offensive to me.
FirstBlood Warrior: The way you ended this video… LOVED IT!!!! So much gaslighting going on everywhere.
Runaway Shay: Ugh why do men think that we need to know their desire or non-desire for us in casual situations. Sir, I did not ask you!
Nerline Laurore: The “go **** yourself” at the end made me clap my hands and say yes!!!!!
Jubei Kibagami Fez: 10:37 Natural hair is so important because we as human being need to start normalizing naturalism. Natural hair, natural skin, natural body type... Because anything else is just an industry. Shaving, makeup, plastic surgery, skin lightening, etc, etc, etc, are all industries that profit off of our insecurities created by those industries. Being natural and promoting naturalism puts those industries in danger and that is what severly needs to happen right now. The status quo can not be maintained any longer.
R P: I love the way you deliver your message, and everything is completely true.
S. Lewis: I was listening to this in the car and didn’t get the chance to comment right away, but I love your videos so much!!! The way you do research, provide background context history in addition to your views is just so engaging and really thought provoking!!!!
LeChat Noir: It makes me sad how much we care about what men think of us.
Christine Magdalene: Exactly, everything you said is right on point. And it's the gaslighting that makes me sick; so thank you for speaking the truth!
Moriah: Thats why i feel like whatever you put into a relationship is what you get out of it, if you go into a relationship with the "black women cant benefit me" attitude and you treat her that way then that's the result you'll get. but they go into a relationship with a white girl with all good energy and treat them like their valuable, when they could've got that from a black women if they treated us as such. They be doing family pictures and go get a job for a white girl, but black women they belittle and make them do all the work and nothing is ever enough.
chemical bromance: I had a french black teacher and I remember every single class she had a different look. And I was curious about it, but afraid to ask. But now thanks to YouTube I can see how the magic of transformation is made :D
Madison Pettway: You unlocked a college memory when you mentioned the pain of a Charlotte Russe shoe
Lacey Fabrics: As mothers it's so important to teach our children the importance of loving themselves and loving those that look just like them.
Honey Bee: There was a BM in my old job and I remember he used to call me regularly for a chat. He asked me if I was dating anyone and at the time I was dating a WM. He was really shocked and although he didn't come right out and say it, he basically called me a traitor. Then he explained that he only dated black women, that he was pro black, that he couldn't see himself being a traitor, but he eventually admitted (once he'd finished ranting) that he had struggled for years to accept the dark skin and hair texture of black women but that he had 'got used to it'. This man is dark skin with 4c hair . I asked him why he struggled to accept something he already he was. He didn't have an answer. Because of the virus, we hadn't met in person (we were in different departments), so he had no idea what I looked like....one day I went into the office and met a colleague of his. his colleague who is white later told me later, that he had asked about me, he seemed embaressed to tell me that he had asked if I was pretty but ALSO what my skin tone was. In the next call he asked me out. it seems he needed to know I wasn't dark skin first. The truth is, I have never dated black men, I have also never had this kind of conversation with any other race of men other than black men.
💗 Scorpi 💗: She sounds confident. Her tone screams confidence and she always repeats it. They cannot stand it and I love it
SunshineJoleen: They try to gaslight us into thinking we're wrong about their 'preferences'... but they forget that the same girl who talks about her experience with 4c natural hair can ALSO talk about her experience with long straight hair or mixed-girl curls... because HELLO wigs and weaves! I can have one look today and a totally different one tomorrow so when I say people treat me differently, that's empirical! I actually had a guy once look at my ID badge while I was wearing a curly weave. In my ID photo my hair was natural. He laughingly asked if I was having a bad hair day in the picture. We are not idiots guys. And yes, natural or not we'll get matches because men swipe right on almost everyone! He will show up in sweats, forget his wallet, and he may sleep with you but it doesn't mean there will be a second date!
Obi Chukwuma: People's experience is unique to them but can be shared. I for one I am a black man who loves dark skin women. The darker the better. Its a joy to see natural hair in all its glory ❤️
Rebecca Rambo: I absolutely love this video. I think what seperates you from other youtubers is you give it to us raw and real even if the story doesn't put you in the best light its the truth about how you feel. Any real person would respect that.
latesha lewisreaddon: I SOOO felt EVERYTHING you said. Almost parallel experiences to the letter. I wish you the best in your dating experiences. And yes, us darker women have an uphill battle in the dating world, especially dealing with colorism, featurism, and texturism. And It does get worse when you get older. However, Don't Give Up!!! Keep being your FABULOUS, NATURAL SELF, and YOU WILL not only find someone that will cherish every bit of your natural beauty, and your inner energy/beauty as well. I DID. Once "we" stop feeding into this "seemingly" global narrative, when it comes to our beauty, things will change. We can't change the worlds opinion of us (black women), but we can force our own "individual narrative". The struggle is real though.
QueenDebbie: I’ve been natural for 4-5 years, not because I felt anything negative towards relaxers or because I was making a “statement”, but because I had health issues that were related to the chemicals in relaxer I personally prefer to wear my hair stretched out or in slicked buns or other protective styles, women should literally be able to do what they want and we need as a society to stop policing women’s expression
Gwendii T.: Thank you for posting this 100% truth. I couldn't have said it better. You're beautiful with no make up (by the way). I was once told by my ex boyfriend, if I had a dark skinned baby that he would shove it back in me. I couldn't understand it being that he was (Is) of a darker complexion. I knew that I must get away from this type of ignorance. Such a sad truth!
ATX4U: Yaass Stephco! U said it, u were Right all the while! I am 43 yrs old from Austin the guy is telling truths. My experience with dating in my home town was doomed from day 1. I'm wht u call a brown skin, with no pretty privilege. I was the one who got a lil attention bc I was not dark skin, with a butt. I end up moving to fort hood 11 yrs ago, then knowing where I stand in society. Now a days I have more respect from opposite sex bc I don't believe in what society do. I wld love to meet you! When u made ur famous video! All I cld say was I was RIGHT..SMDH
Faithful2 MyFreedom: I’m a dark skinned BW and I was down in New Orleans one summer and a BM came up to me outside the bar (unprovoked and unwarranted btw) and said “you’re very pretty, very cute girl. But I like ‘em red”. That’s a light skinned person for anyone unaware. He was pretty loud and obnoxious about it too. Still one of the most outrageous things said to me til this day. I was so confused and annoyed bc I said nothing to this person; didn’t come on to him or anything. I say that to say, people who aren’t black women try to invalidate our experiences bc certain things don’t happen to them so it cant be true or real. Or they think we just want to complain. I have stories for days but the bs unambiguous black women face only the daily is legitimate. People need to stop trying to silence us.
amanda: This was such a great video. I live in Brazil and I can say this kind of mindset is common around here too. It’s sad!