Bill Burr Is Here And It Gets Heated Up, Curious, And Hairy!

Hey everybody. This is Harland welcome to the Harland Highway podcast with our special guest Bill Burr, but before we get going, I just want to let you know I will be doing stand-up comedy this weekend January 27th and 28th at the Brea Improv, just outside of Los Angeles, the Brea Improv uh January 27th and 28th this weekend so come on out and see me live and let's have some laughs and now without any more detours. Let'S get rolling down the Harlan Highway with today's special guest Bill Burr, you know what let me tell you. I want to tell you two things when the Sun and the Moon is out at the same time. So, like you had to do the math real, quick, that's right! Those are two different things. Listen to me, the pointing was enough. You didn't have to shush me again through the Mist God. I'Ve, never shushed, someone through the gorillas in the middle I was gon na say, was that a Sigourney Weaver movie yeah. This is now shut. The [ __ ] up guy. So when she resents the gorillas hi when I was gon na, take you out to the desert. Take Me Out to the desert. Take me out you're riding down the Harland highways all right. Let'S do it ready! Guy hang on, I got ta. I got ta hit. The theme music, do you like theme, music or no? I love theme music, you're, not gon, na get angry about it. No, I love it foreign here we are here. We are on the Harland Highway with guess who do you want to say your name or should I I'll say it? Okay, you say it Eric Stoltz wait, wait who are who nah I'm not Eric Stoltz? He has a nice head here, Bill Burr, but what can I call you just call you Bill cold yeah cause. What I just I've never felt comfortable like your last name, is the result of a weather condition. I know like. I thought it would be interesting. It'S not my legal name, that's like if my name was Harlan like just I like that, though, that has a ring to it, but I would rather just call me Harlan hot than Harlan. Well, I think that's more of like your ego, you know weren't you on the cover of uh people, magazines, no Magazine 50, Most Beautiful feature racks. No, I was on. I was on the cover of Penthouse 1985. I did the center Spirit Cherry with the popsicle. I remember you remember that issue. I still have it. I have it framed. They have me on a zebra rug. I asked for a bear rug and I got a zebra rug. Americans, that's what we do. We don't respect you Canadians. Oh damn. Look here! You'Re from Ottawa, oh Toronto, bro Toronto, yeah out of the media, capital of Canada. What what the media capital? What do you mean? Canada? I mean like that's where all the media is wow. You didn't know that right away, you're getting Rush is from there. You know what you're getting media State jacked bro! Oh, am I yeah instantly, but I brought the I brought the steamer you instantly got jacked like I was saving this for when you got jacked, but you know you should have saved it. This is not Jack. This is just me you're just Breeze. This is the start, I'm warm it up. You got to get me some more antifreeze. Oh God, bro break out the Prestone. Your eyes, though, are a bit disarming you got like. Does anyone ever call you Fjord eyes like your eyes? That means like it's like a crystal blue, like a fjord in the Netherlands? Oh, like you, know Iceland eyes, yeah like like Iceland Fjord eyes disarming. I feel if I stared Hitler in the eyes. Long enough. You know I could have prevented World War II. That might be my ego talking, but if he could get lost in my blue eyes and wow his fascination with uh the genetics of Northern Europe yeah that were really blondes, I think eventually, if he actually finished his final solution, he was going to get to redheads. Really is that why you yeah cause, I heard he's still in Argentina. Of course, that's right according to the internet, that I'm on yeah him - and I think he's living with Jim Morrison too, is what I've heard. Well, Jim's, a forgiving guy. Can you imagine those two? As roommates yeah, the Lizard King and the war criminal wow put out a double album. Well, you guys remember like Andre, 3000 and uh what's his face, they could do, they could do uh, oh and you have the guy from the Neptunes produce it. You have to totally Rebrand Hitler yeah an older, wiser, more forgiving, poetic, Argentinian fluent. Imagine him with that passion when he did those speeches, but he was doing like Jim Morrison's poetry. The butterfly is flying through the eggshell child's mind, he's just yelling yeah. I was trying to think that the uh travel through the uh once the child's actual fraction mine, yeah yeah. This is the end, my friend, this is the end, my beautiful friend, maybe that's what he needed. He just needed a funky Baseline under what he was saying. People wouldn't take him seriously yeah, he would have been a beat poet. Poetry takes the edge off of like death camps and stuff off of genocide. Yeah you just kind of make it. You can make the same points, but if it Rhymes yeah people go, you want to do away with my people, but, like you know, you got me humming your song, yeah yeah, good point man, Charles Manson, also a good drummer. If we could get the three of them - oh yeah, to put together a power Trio and Manson had his own band too right. Oh, he had a band. He did. He had a [ __ ] Orchestra. He had like [ __ ] 15 20 hippies up there. Yeah and - and I think Guns and Roses did a cover of one of his songs: oh yeah yeah. Oh that's, right, Helter Skelter! That was his. That was his original. What did the Beatles pay for that just dude and didn't he front his murders? I went to that house, the halter Skelter house. Oh, oh, you did you. You want to hear how I went. It was the weirdest thing. It was Bob Saget's, 60th birthday. I was at that party. You were there too. You must have got there late. No, I'm just forgettable, you forgot, how do you forget the hell? Are you gon na tell this the story of the song that they no don't do that? What wait? What what happened at the party were you there? I was there, I wasn't and the wait were you there. I was in the yard, yeah and yeah, but wasn't it creepy being in? There was well because they tore down the house and they built a new one right, but the layout's still the same the yard. I mean that's where the murders went down well, some of them and in the driveway there was in the yard, and then there was in that front room which the front room, I think, was the front room of the house. So I stayed out of that room. Yeah yeah I'm not into that [ __ ] yeah. So it was that's what I'm saying it was a weird vibe up there right and then you got you got murders and Helter Skelter Written in Blood and then Bob Saget from the family House Full House Full House of corpses we combined. It too is that a death metal band wow Full House of corpse start Bob Saget wow, oh God, this is getting dark. Man yeah. This is getting dark, but but you know you'll put you'll blame the guests. When I leave, when you know, when you do the outro, never never, but what I you know because I put this on because you get jacked easy like you get you you hit, you go into the Red Zone. Do you know what you you look like say it? You got like a Sam Elliott thing going that's right with the with the desert background that amazing, head of silver salt, hair right, yeah yeah? Maybe they reboot that bowling movie the one with the booze? What did he keep drinking the white Russians, the dude? Oh yeah, yeah uh, The Big Lebowski Lebowski, and you narrate it this time, oh, that guy, Sam Elliott, the guy with the big thick mustache yeah. The manly is fashion his voice. That guy has a great voice. He does, can you see me? Okay, uh, yeah, okay, you know what it is with the view. It'S never like seeing you it's your Vibe yeah yeah. You have a Vibe, I do yeah. What is it it's that, whatever that is right now? That'S squinting sort of confused, yet I know you're about to insult me. That'S your Vibe peering through the fog! No, I'm not going through the fog of the child's eggshell mind: Adolf Hitler as you've, never seen him before Undead Jim Morrison, Charles Manson, on drums, putting Mitch Mitchell to shame. Damn yeah. That would be a [ __ ] band. Can you imagine yeah? He did less drugs Hitler loved a little more and Charlie, wasn't so in uh. You know charismatic yeah to get what was the name of that Bambi. He was sort of the the after Jesus yeah. Charles Manson was the first guy to get people with dirty bare feet to do what he wanted. Wait, a minute. That'S the connection! You just brought up an interesting name. Why Don't We toss Jesus in as the bass player? He would be the Yoko, oh yeah, bring it down, he'll keep reminding you guys. We shouldn't be doing this man yeah. What'S the name of the band with Charles Manson Hitler and Jim Morrison, what we got to name this band? Ah wow. I think that's for your listeners. I think I think you just named it no. This is what you just it's like wow I'll, listen without prejudice! Doug, now appearing at the Hollywood Bowl yeah! Listen without prejudice; okay! So, who was that that was the uh wake me up before you go, go? Who was it George, Michael George, Michael speaking, of which rest his soul? Do you get tempted easy? I mean you got a porta potty and blow somebody. Well, I think that did happen with George Michael yeah. He he got busted in Beverly Hills for doing someone a solid yeah. He didn't need to do that. He could have sold out the Staple Center and said he was blowing some nobody in a porta potty. What does he get? What does he get yeah get that steam going. He got a bunch of [ __ ] for it he was a man of the people. Do you think there was a glory hole involved or was it a straight like blowy? I think it was just you know. Well how would you do that with the port-a-party? What that little lock? Oh, it was an important wait. It was in a porta potty. I just remember watching the Behind the Music and I just thought he had a real cool relationship because he had a boyfriend at the time yeah and he just kept going. Oh honey, oh darling, oh honey, he wasn't upset. He was just like oh jeez, it's like he got pulled over for a ticket yeah, oh god, oh honey. Oh, what time are you gon na? Be home? Yeah? It'S just like that's! You know, I. I think it was like a public like uh, bathroom or something. I think Hitler was in there. Wow was that who he was doing no, but Hitler was criticizing the whole thing wow. What are we talking about? Oh, I was what's in that smoke, it's just to keep you calm, but I don't know if it's gon na work because you get, I think you get jacked easy and I'm I'm a little worried about Bill. Burr'S tenderness. Can I tell you something: I'm worried that you're not going to bring that point up enough. Well, I wan na. Can you stop get that Stinky Cheese? Look off your face! I can't because I worry about your your tenderness. That'S a key word because you have kids right. I have tenderness and that's the name of my new country album, but I can I test your tenderness. Is that would you be okay with a tenderness test guy like a steak, no you're gon na go like this and then touch my head. What I'm gon na do when you have kids, I want you Bill Burr to demonstrate tenderness. If you can, I don't think I can I'm going to pretend I'm a kid. I was just the curious and you're gon na read: oh [, __ ] yeah well, already you're swearing, huh I'll, be I'll, be the kid reading the book and I'm teaching about the real world. You little [ __, ] I'll, be the kid and I'll ask Daddy to read dad Daddy. Can you read me Curious George, absolutely my goateeed little son. Thank you Daddy all right! Ah, oh this, oh Curious. George Goes to the zoo. This was one of my favorites when I was yay okay. This is George. George is a good looking little Mom. Oh George is a good little monkey and always very curious. Today, George was feeling very excited The Man with the Yellow Hat he owed taxes, so he never gave his name. Why did you throw that part in daddy? How did you know I threw that party? Well, I can read you [ __, ], daddy, with the Yellow Hat, don't sit, don't tell Mama said that it was taking him to the zoo. Okay! Is that proper for a full-grown man to take a hairy little monkey boy to the zoo, daddy speaking in code, they're gon na go score some smack in this little red, roofed house here Daddy. This is the first Red Roof Inn filled with crack horse and as they drove the man explained to George that this wasn't just any Sue. They'Re going to Brooklyn uh that they were going to visit. Remember old, dirty, Brooklyn, shame on you uh! It was called Old, Dirty Bastard. It was a one, be nice daddy, go up to your mother right now and say: Wutang read nice all right! Oh your mom's already read this book, so you know how it goes all right. It'S called The Wild Animal Park. The man said all of the animals roam around freely. Ah, they must be down Wall Street daddy uh when they arrived, George saw a huge Banner George looked up at it, but he could not read the words because he's [ __ ] illiterate, Daddy, no swearing Daddy. I didn't, I said, fudgical a friendly zookeeper explained. Let me tell you something: there's no such thing as a friendly zookeeper. What do you mean Daddy? They all hate animals and they the only thing they hate more than animals are children. If you ever go to the zoo and you get lost, do not trust the zoo, Daddy, stop all right stand near the [, __, ] reindeer and I'll find you Daddy gender. It'S an extra special day here at the wild animal park. What does that mean? Do you know I went to the zoo one time in Iceland? Yes, and they actually had pigeons in there, because those were exotic to them. Wow daddy, when cockroaches they actually brought insects there. That sounds fun. What a nice add-on daddy it was. Did you take a creative writing class son that you already know what an add-on is? Are you making fun of me dad absolutely Daddy I'll, tell you right now between you and me. I don't think you're mine, daddy father and I went through a rough patch six years ago. Yeah, that's our baby! Rhino'S first birthday, we're gon na have a party for her later on a party yeah, of course, because it's a female Rhino right. That was a male Rhino. They would have skipped right over daddy you're too angry a [, __ ] broad Rhino could still figure out how to have a goddamn birthday at the zoo, daddy Jesus Christ. Let'S go dig up some plant for the [ __ ], Queen a party that was going to be a wonderful trip to the zoo. Stop swearing, daddy George tried to walk into the park with the animals were, but the Zookeeper stopped him. You can't walk in there. She said, and he said: yeah okay, I'm a [, __ ] monkey trying to get back in here and get away from that weirdo with the Yellow Hat. That'S a [, __ ] monkey, Daddy, [, __ ] monkey is what there all are because they'll rip your face off when you don't give them enough daddy. I'M scared, hey! Well, welcome to life to explore this Zoo. You have to ride in one of our special cars. She pointed to a huge car that had no roof on it, huge car, it's a [, __ ] two-wheel drive Suburban. I didn't even know they made those on my way. Oh my what fun this was going to be George and his friend, climbed on board and the car drove into the park. Okay, Daddy! That'S enough! Can I tell you something? Oh how soon before somebody gets mauled by a [, __, ] leopard one of those things? What? Where? Because they used to view you and the and the automobile, is all one thing and now they're starting to separate it. The Lions, oh yeah, like leopards, have gotten into those things I went into the I by the way. Well, you got it down. I know that's how you drink it. Yours was good, though bro I was a solid. It started slow. That was a solid, that's probably the best counter slurp I've had on the on the show. I went cinematic with it. Oh that was good set of tone. I made you curious and then I landed that third act. I feel, like George, would Curious. George be bi-curious George, these days by Curious, George yeah and the man with the yellow private parts, yeah God and it would win so many awards you weren't see. I think I made my point. You were not too tender with that. You started swearing and cussing and scared. You scared the hell out of me as your son. I don't believe that yeah, you were playing scared. You weren't. Actually, I was scared. I was had to play I'd get into my parts. I was the kid and you were like the [ __ ] monkey and all right can I go back in character and apologize. You know maybe later, if you bet we can try later. If I behave, did you just no, I'm gon na say I've got Curious. George makes a pancake. We can try it later in the show to see if you're, if this mist is kind of. Oh, if Curious George makes pancakes that makes a pink. I was sitting there going why there's a stack of them there well see already, but we'll try this later. But I I don't know that. Do you get tempted on the road like by things like you, you got, you got Fame, you got a fortune. You got looks: do you get yeah all that stuff? You get. Do you get tempted by the ladies and the drugs and the booze or you you? Can you handle it guy? No there's no temptation for me on the road because I do the gig and then I leave and I go right back to my hotel room. That'S it so! No temptation, no temptation of Christ or of uh dude. I'M a [ __ ] 55 year old, bald Ginger. I know nobody's throwing themselves at me. Can I I'm past the? Can you throw yourself? Can I try to tempt you Bill? Burr? Okay, I'm I'm just gon na you mentioned George Michael earlier. Okay, so I'm just gon na I'm gon na throw this out on the table. It'S a never been worn. George Michael wig, the tag I'm just gon na leave it there and see. Ah, you know that I know there's something that you don't have that it's tell I'll just leave it there. I I know, are you gon na judge me? No, what about your listeners? I don't know what they'll do, but it's just a Temptation. I will say this: I don't think you believed in it. What do you mean because you kept the tag on well? I just wanted you to know that it was fresh. I wanted you to know. It hasn't been on a transvestite in in the valley behind Denny's. You know I wanted you to know who's an American yeah. You went right to it, you see, you are tempted. Well, I mean I know what you're doing you're like this is like you know is he is he got too much of you? When has he been tempted on the road yeah, you know you're trying to see if I've changed well, I know you, you said you didn't go for drugs or you went for Booze or the or the the [ __ ], as you put it, but I like How the Tag's gon na hang off like an 80s earring yeah, I mean I got ta, do it? No, I don't know how tempted can you get? I don't know Bill kind of hard to put one of these on without being a mirror or anything. Hang on a second man hang on a second just wait for it. Wait for it. Oh yeah, dude huh! This is a whole new me. What'S up, bro [ __, ], rad, wow yeah. I like this. You you were. I just realized why Justin Bieber could be in a mood sometimes yeah. It just gets annoying after a while yeah you got real tempted, real quick. I thought. Maybe it was gon na sit there and kind of eat at you, but you wow is that what you were hoping for? I didn't know. I wanted to see what what your line was. You'Re, a very curious person, I'm curious about you. What about this guy? Who do you like better who I was and or who I am now? I don't. I can't decide yet I'm thinking about leaving my wife. All of a sudden. I, like this new guy, oh yeah, just head straight for the nearest porta potty right FaceTime. I'Ve got a FaceTime, my wife right now and tell her I'm not going to be home for a few days, wow dude, and when she goes. What is that on your head? I'M just gon na act like what yeah? What are you talking about? Go Pats still me wow, you're kind of kind of works. For you, though bro I think it does yeah. Oh yeah, you like that yeah that was uh. One thing I can't handle dude is this shit's getting in my [ __ ]? You don't have to keep it on it's up to you, but it's just. I want this to be as uncomfortable as possible possible unreal bro. That'S all you got unreal. Bro yeah unreal George. I like that George Michael Curious, George, Michael, you are Curious. George Michael. This is getting hot, it's yeah! How about this Curious! George Michael, goes to the porta potty. There'S your new Curious George book. Oh wait by Curious, George bi curious. George Michael goes to the bathroom with Hitler, Jim Morrison yeah and Charles Manson on drums, and once they record coil and horror, all you do is go that's animated, yeah and they'll. Be oh okay, dude. That was a good look. You got tempted real quick though yeah. I don't know I don't know what point you're trying to make what it let's go back to you being jacked, because you you get jacked easy like when I watch you in interviews they're already on repeat questions. No because I want to go to what do you think the origin of of humankind being like jacked like when was the first time somebody did like. Why do airplane seats got ta, be so small like? When do you think on a history? What do I think hackneyed comedy started no like when did the first like? When was it oh, when did people start doing that because I don't think they did it during Shakespeare days? Did they? Why are style airplanes to seats so smallest? They absolutely did they did you think a hack somebody with unoriginal thought is brand new. Well, I don't mean I just mean people like getting lit up by things, because you, you see things and you just [ __ ] go bro. You tear a piece off of stuff. You know what I'm saying: no yeah. Well now you're getting heated. I know I am you make you're heating me up guy. I think he's that's Stanley Steemer you're on [ __, ] sitting next to you, you! So you think. I'M like a hack, comic, no just gets off stuff, and I should put on a zany wig and be a prop comic. Is that what that was just an intervention? No, no! No! There'S something going on here! There'S something going on insulting me a little bit a little bit. No, what I'm saying is you couldn't even give me a real grape soda. I get this [ __ ] [ __ ] watered down. No, let's see it's happening right now. The Waterloo Springs. Now don't excuse your rude Behavior, it's my [ __ ], I'm reacting to what you did no, but I came in here and complimented your office building and you didn't [, __ ] say anything about it. No, I I freshly paved parking lot. My car thanks. You know what I'm saying is you you get. I'M gon na forget this podcast, the second I walk out. Oh you're, not I'm just gon na block it. You can! No, because I like you what I don't want to hold this against you. What I'm saying is see you're doing you're getting heated up, you're proving my point, I'm not like. When I see I'm not when I see you on it getting weird you're getting quirky. No, not! I know you're, not I'm just gon na just say that you're doing things that you're not doing, but you don't think when you get on interviews and stuff, you get heated. If someone like presses your button quickly, I think you went down to YouTube rabbit hole. Yeah of watching me on shows, but on stage you're like very like, like I'm, not yeah, I'm not you go off on things. Sometimes right see. That'S my point like. If I pulled something out, would you go off on it pull something out? Okay, but not your dick, I think it's something you've never seen. Okay, never like ripped into it before an ant farm. Let me put that right in the the golden Mist: okay, get the wig out, I'm more fascinated. This is an actual Ant Farm. It'S an actual ant farm thoughts. You didn't shake it up. No, you can't shake it. You'Ll you'll hurt them. That'S what I'm saying it looks like it's, not a Etch, A Sketch. It looks like a few got Hurt. No, what happens is they you buy the thing right and you put like 30 ants in it and one by one they start to die. Is that what the brown stuff is in there, although yeah, no those aren't dead. Those are the dead ants and there's only like this looks like the end of society. There'S only this much amount of land and it's this wide. I like that, they don't complain. Okay, why are you acting like? You? Have a psychology degree. I don't know like okay. I just I mean you're behind the Mist. Are you trying to be mysterious? No because I'm not buying it? No, I just wan na. This is what I used to always tease New Yorkers about yeah, I used to say Manhattan. It goes like living in a [, __ ] ant farm right. They all think it's amazing. It'S just a bunch of human beings piled on top of each other and then even when you go to Central Park to try and get connected with nature, you can't do it because everybody's trying to do that, so you have to eventually you have to get out Of New York, well, you end up looking like Lou Reed, everybody looks like Lou Reed passes, yeah that lives in New York. There you go yeah was that okay did I improvise? Okay, worn the wig. I'Ve talked about the ant farm. No! No. I think that was that was a great like kind of analogy of what it is, but I didn't know if you'd like go off on it and get mad at the ant farm. Oh no! I don't see that getting me upset. Okay, I didn't because you know what I feel like, I feel like you think. I'M really one-dimensional, like this Ant Farm looks like. Is this a metaphor for my act that it looks like it's like this? No, no! Really! It'S really like that. No! No! I just is that your tell do you do that when you get nervous? No, I just wanted to see if you thought that was like kind of what that was represented to you, like a microcosm of of something. You know my [ __ ] act. No, no. Now you getting you're getting ah he's he's doing something. No, I get what you're doing no wait. What am I doing? Nothing, no you're doing nothing. No! No! I just wanted to discuss because I I thought I love when you get angry. That'S what I'm that's where I'm going with that. But you don't maybe I'm wrong. Then you know, I'm you don't listen, yeah a set line of Goodfellas. Don'T hey carrot? Don'T play The Babe in the woods right, it's one of the most usable lines in that movie. What do you mean explain, especially when you say it to a guy when somebody acts like they don't know what they're doing you just go come on? Karen, don't play the babe of the woods, you know when they were going yeah when they were going into uh protective custody, whatever the [ __ ], they call it secret society yeah. You know, I thought he was a plumber. Yeah, come on Karen, don't play The Babe in the woods. That'S one of my favorite lines in the movie wow. What'S Good, Fellas yeah, what's the worst thing or the scariest thing your dad ever said to you, can I ask you that is that too provocative? What are you doing this weekend? That'S what he said. Oh, what am I oh there's a lot of things. No! No! No! No! I was just joking. I was trying to think of just something that wouldn't freak anybody out. What'S the worst thing, my dad don't know. Yeah, nothing comes to mind like there was never a moment in your childhood. When you were like scared of them. Did you ever get like a spanking, then I I snapped on ant farms and then this whole podcast makes sense. No! No during Kobe, did you get some sort of psychology degree? No. This is like I'm not trying to stop with this. I'M not trying to do this thing, you're, literally behind smoke. All you need is mirrors behind you, oh, I was just no, no, no! No you're! Reading you do it right, I'm not yeah. I just know I'm not. I just I wanted to just like find out about like, like you know, when you go off, because it's got that's part of the Genesis of your comedy right when you just like get [ __ ]. I think that's all. It is right. You just hand me an ant farm and I go off. Oh no, oh my God. That'S fascinating! No, I mean like you, you have like you like, have a trigger where you you like to like, find things and just like, like you go you go ballistic on them. No, no, I mean I don't know, I don't like watch myself, but I just I just don't think I like walk into a room and be like all right. No, but but on stage who's getting it next. Yeah yeah, look at that knick-knack all right, all right! So I you're saying I took a wrong turn with that. Well I mean it's your podcast. You can't take a wrong turn. No, but but I mean I just don't go with you. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Okay, so I mean I certainly didn't mean to you know. I'M not trying to psychoanalyze you, but I would like to if you, if you'd, let me no, I'm I'm not trying to psychoanalyze you. You know this might be the longest I've ever been alone with you talking to you yeah. I just realized that I've known you for 20, something years yeah and anytime. I see you in like a comedy club. You always have the walls up. What do you mean there? We go. What do you say there Piccadilly yeah yeah you know hold on. I got. I'M trying to get a steam off we're gon na get enough creme fresh in you today, they're porcupine wait I'm turning the steam off here who's this Huckleberry up here. I love how everybody now knows: it's not Huckleberry, it's Huckleberry. What do you mean? I don't know somebody put that on the [ __ ] internet, it's I'll, be your huckle Bearer wait. So that's the name of the handles on the side of a casket, meaning I'll [, __ ] kill you and put you in the ground. Oh wow. I don't know if I just I turned the thing off too soon, but what do you mean the walls up here we go talk to me, guy huh. I can't come on. I can't talk to you. Why? Because you can the smoke was a metaphor. You made it seem like it was for me, but I don't think you were comfortable enough to sit this close to me and actually have a real [ __ ] conversation. I am about having some sort of dry ice machine going. No, like you're in one of your movies like The Rocket Man. No, no. I think that that's what it is. No really yeah, I think, you're an uncomfortable person. Really I like this yeah. I think you grew up in the middle of [ __ ]. Nowhere in Canada yeah, you know you're best friends with the voices in your head yeah when you finally met another human that wasn't in your family somewhere around the eighth or ninth grade yeah. It was too much for you was overwhelmed and he ended up at yuck. Yucks and you didn't know how to talk to people, so you just sort of picked out knickknacks that were your best friends when they say they're lamp, shade yeah yeah. Are you sitting over here next to needlepoint yeah? I just think right, like you, grew up, I'm gon na say maybe Saskatchewan no, no Toronto outside of Regina. We said that at the beginning. Oh no, if you look at a map far away enough Regina is outside of Toronto. I just had a total Deja Vu moment that you you said that to me before the whole, Regina, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your flow. There'S no flow, but but that's interesting, so you think I'm uncomfortable talking to people. Yes, why - and I think you say bizarre things to keep them away from you really say: nonsensical, [, __, ] and then people just respect your boundaries and they go like oh, you know he doesn't feel like talking. Hmm, there might be a there might be a little bit of Truth to that, but there couldn't be any less feeling behind that. Hmm, like you, were doing some sort of introspection all right. Now, I'm making you uncomfortable, no you're, not I love it. I love it. Keep it rolling yeah, I loved how you turned it all around on me, this is brilliant. It'S like I was trying to participate in whatever this exercise. Is it's not an exercise all right? It'S it's! I'M having a conversation with you, it's just taken. It'S the highway! Man we're going out some some weird roads. I think you should change this to the rabbit hole. Yeah just have a hole in the ground, but let's go back to your interpretations like do you think? That'S an unhealthy thing that you just about about me that you just kind of I never think of you until I see you right, I see you and I go. Oh, this is the guy and I just go into your mode right like what do you say there button fly and I just do what you do and that's all we do, and then you sip your drink loudly yeah for 20 years. I just realized. That'S all! We'Ve done well remember one day you called me up out of the blue. Do you remember you called me up out of the blue and said Harlan, let's go in your pickup truck and drive out to the desert. Do you remember that yeah like out of the blue, you just it was very because you were doing something out in the desert right and I was so sick of being in LA for the second time, because I lived out here in the 90s and just not Seeing anything yeah except driving down the sunset to either go to [ __ ], the Laugh Factory right, The Comedy Store or down to the Improv, and I just sort of was living. My life there yeah and, let's not forget the Beverly Center. Remember if you had an industry showcase, she had to go out, go out to the Beverly Center and [ __ ] get a shiny shirt. No, do your little tap dance? No! No! I never did that. I spent all that money only not to be chosen. No, never did that. I know you were always in Industry darling. I didn't have that scene, but what was that? What was the cattle impetus great word? To use there, the impetus, not the catalyst? Are they similar? The Master of Ceremonies? Is that a cinnamon cinnamon synonym? You said cinnamon, I did okay you're trying to throw some darts past me. Now I get it I'm just not the smartest guy. Don'T say that I try to say that whoa, that was a reverse uh triple flop, back deflection right there. No, if I'm being psychoanalytic on you, which I am I was a triple flip back zopwith camel reverse back. You see now now you're in your safe place. No! No! I'M not! I'M asking you to analyze this this most likely to use non-secretors well into his middle age. Well, wait: here's were you. Did you win that in high school was that your identity, non-secretor man um, not as much as it is now? I think I grew into that. More who had the co uh the goatee first, you were Kurt Cobain. Did you make it mainstream? No, he did. He did didn't he yeah [ __ ] bastard, but wait when we were back then, when you wanted to go on the ride out to the desert and we still hadn't talked a lot back then that's because I thought you were a human being. But what were you? Were you hoping to get to know me more on that drive uh? I was hoping to get the [ __ ] out of LA, and you seemed like a cool enough guy right and you were telling me stories about. Grizzly bears jumping in the back of your truck. I was like anything other than going to some other La Hollywood thing. I was looking to do the opposite: yeah yeah. This is before it was cool to go out to the desert and uh. What do people do? They take mushrooms yeah and then they have this really like amazing human moment that then they immediately post about on Instagram yeah yeah. That'S all it is now to add to the spirituality of it yeah. Oh, my God, you guys, I had such a breakthrough and then you show your abs as you do. The heart thing, acting like you're, spiritual, but you're, really doing this narcissistic thing I like how that works. Yeah, you think people are phonies. I would include myself in them why well because you're always, he always got like a little bit of a thing going on. You know I mean I bought this flannel button down like I actually own a hammer and know how to fix things. I don't you don't like what am I. What am I doing here? Wait. That'S a stylish shirt, that's not the shirt of a handyman yeah exactly this is the Hollywood version of a handyman shirt. But no, I don't see you because I had an audition yeah to play a construction worker yeah. I would take this designer flannel and I would roll up the sleeves and stick a pencil in my ear. You'Re not going to get the party. Oh my God. It'S gon na take about uh four to six weeks, no you're, not getting the part, not with that 46 weeks. Now you need a plaid shirt rolled up. Is that what I'm doing wrong well Bill? A black shirt? You look like a priest showing up to do. Drywall and we don't - we all know how that goes well, they're, the only ones that put drywall up with a glory Hall. I'M actually offended by that because I feel like you're attacking You Are My Religion, you're offended by everything I'm doing today. That'S pretty interesting. Let'S not play the victim, but if we went out into the desert - and just so you know, I bought 20 acres out there, I bought a hill in the middle of nowhere. I was out roaming around in my pickup truck one day out in the desert. North of L.A up in Palmdale, it's up to Victorville, yeah, no Victorville's, the other way guy, oh yeah, you're out in Antelope Valley, yeah, that's right, Antelope Valley, where there's no Antelope. By the way there is a valley, but there's no Antelope, there's a choo-choo train. That goes through it well down on that Circle. Let'S not go back into Curious. George choo choo train isn't something one grown man says to another grown man. Tell it to Michael Jackson. Well he's in a grave and maggots are eating his eye. Sockets yeah! That'S probably true put him in the band stuff that we can't go back to the band. We'Ve gone down this beautiful Road where we want to talk about if we were in that truck together out in the desert going out to my land, like, I think, we'd have a good time right. Okay, we would have just you think we would have had just a normal conversation or I've been going. Hey blankety Bill how you how's your koala teeth there buddy you want to stop at the Burger King and get some sesame seeds on the Double Whopper there. Buddy, would you be worried? That'S who you'd get for two four hours. I could handle that because it was about how sick of La I was right. Um, not that I hate la. I love La it's just you know. After a while, you need like a change of scenery, so I could have handled that. You know what, though I always regretted we didn't do that trip, because I followed up with you twice on that trip, because I thought that would have been a cool bonding moment for us. I know, and it was pre like Bill becoming like you know, the level you're at now. It was just like we were kind of one of the hardest working features in the country you are, but but I thought that would have been a really cool. Like challenge. My [ __ ] jokes, really, let's share one a [ __ ] Joe I mean I just I don't even know if you can handle mine. I write I like to think I do the thinking man's [ __ ], jokes. Okay, can I hear one yeah? I just don't think you think enough. I can I be the judge of my own sync thoughts. No well give me, I'm the judge, the jury and the Executioner. You are don't steal that I'm going to use that as a song. No, that's mine! Guy you're! On the Harley, that's mine, oh anything, on here. Well I mean: do you know what there is? I love how this silence is my responsibility. It is it's your podcast. No. I would like to go out to wherever that is behind you, oh to the desert. Yeah! That'S in Arizona, you know what those are called. I talk. I talked about a geographical formation earlier I said fjords. Do you remember that huh your eyes are like deep, crystal blue fjords from Norway, but you know what those spiky things yeah. Do you know what those are called? He just said fjords. No, that's what I said about your eyes. But what are those spiky things, The Bugs Bunny uh, the desert's moose? That was like the Dew in the 90s? You had to be here all spiked up um. What are those uh, those isotopes, all those rhysotopes? Some of those things, though, remember the things that that's a Korean dish. Isotope those things in the caves was it hang Downs, ones that hangs up. Oh, oh uh, yeah, those Isotopes, yeah yeah. You get those wrong. Yeah yeah they do it, they drip over the centuries and make uh no. Is that what they're called cave? Dicks um? I didn't hear an excuse me after that birth I feel like. I have to uh it's part of my uh narcissism and then there was concave and convex concave and convex, which can be applied to contact lenses right, but tell the folks who are watching what concave and what convex is, because some might not. No. We know me - and you know I was always confused, because it just depends on what side you're standing on well well, if I'm over here and that's convex. If I stand on the other side, it becomes concave but think of con. The word concave as a cave. So concave is when you're going in into where it warps and convex is where you're coming on the outside, so convex and concave, but Isotopes and equilateral triangles. That'S not a real angles being congruent, oh okay, but I think you're evading this geographical formation by throwing um is that an isosceles uh, isotope first Outside Inside last Phil and other things that are in my head for no reason but they're called Butte Montana. No. Now, that's a city, it's a fine City too. These are called Butte stuff. I mean if you want to throw a geographical term, what that's just somebody who's, a [, __ ] pain in the ass. Oh he's a beaut yeah! That'S that a Boston thing, no yeah! That guy's on piano, it's a Montana Montana they're talking about those [, __ ] out there hold on. Do you know what time I think I did a gig in Butte Montana and what was amazing was driving up there yeah. You said what were they again? The montanans are wonderful people, you know. All this is reminding me of. Is that that that uh? Well, I heard the c word giant, yeah, cooking who's, joke uh, David Feldman um. This reminds me of that pool what pool in uh, Iceland, they call it. The Blue Lagoon pool and it's actually the runoff of their nuclear power plant. Oh really, the heavy water yeah and you swim in the water, but it's just the water that kept the the Homer Simpson thing from overheating right, yeah, the the the the nuclear Silo thing. Yeah, oh we're both in overhead. I thought you're gon na know that word. What is that? What is that? What are those things that they're like popsicles, but for like nuclear [, __ ], which evidently is, is supposed to be the best form of energy that we could be using and somehow it got demonized what nuclear yeah? I think it got demonized by oil companies and hippies latched onto it thinking it was their idea. Well, no, the the the issue with nuclear power, it's the most efficient and it's the cheapest, but the problem is it: it creates the most lethal byproduct. So the the radioactive no creates radioactive cones that are in the heavy water and they have to actually bury them. They dig giant caves under the Earth's crust and they store them in barrels and they're highly radioactive for how long there's no timeline that they don't run out. That'S the problem they're radioactive forever. So if there's ever, we've got that going for us. Well, we we got plastic in the ocean yeah that takes 18 200 to A Thousand Years to break down yeah the fish are breathing it in. Do you want to hear a sad story Bill? No foreign, I'm looking for hope. Well, let me let me tell you this story and then maybe you and I can find figure out, listen to the story about a man named Jed, a poor Mountaineer, barely kept his family fed and then one day he was shooting for some food and up came The ground came to bubbling crude oil, that is Texas Tea, black tar, black gold, well Beverly Hills, Billy's, that's the first thing: we bonded on this whole podcast. Well, if you weren't, hiding behind your [ __ ] smoke screen. Maybe that would happen if we, if we had taken mine, I keep waiting to hear like uh Little Red Corvette when you you know that, beginning from with the echo yeah yeah um, I think if we had taken that road trip to the desert that time, we Would have sang that The Beverly Hillbillies I love how [ __ ] weird you are weird yeah he's just different dude huh. You know what I was gon na. Have you do with me too? When we were out there? Did you read another theme song? No, do you want to hear for real for real for real yeah, and this would I like hip-hop Harlan for reals for reals plays laughs, but you know what's interesting. All these themes that we started with are going back into each other. The Nordic fjords all this stuff so now we're going back into the construction, which means we're limited. No we're not. It means we we keep flying, we keep going, but it plays back into your uh. Like The Aviator, I told you I'm watching that oh yeah, I'm watching all these great movies that I missed, because I was uh doing other [ __ ] way and Leonardo DiCaprio is one of my favorite actors and he's also like the combination for somebody. Be your favorite actor. They have to be obviously an amazing actor, but also great at picking scripts yeah yeah yeah, like that guy's like I mean that guy picks a winner 99.9 of the time. Dicaprio yes, uh, yeah I'd, say: 75, that's 99 for acting yeah! That'S true, you're right, hey! Well, here's a little story about a man named jail, oh yeah: let's do it wow. He gets an answer right and Harlan said. I have to agree with you and he feels good for a minute or two bill that is and ginger tea um, but you fly uh speaking of aviator. You fly a helicopter right. Yes, God I did yesterday, I I flew it out where well, I flew it out to Camarillo to get soybust and look at something. Uh wait. You flew the helicopter to get serviced yeah the same way. You drive a car out there to get serviced. It'S not gon na you're, just getting it serviced, don't you want to get it serviced before yeah there we go talking about huh. I know what you're doing. No, that's an insult to me that you would think I would think you were a hacker. This is the Canadian passive aggressiveness that you guys have known for what, in the name of Carol, Burnett's fake, they believe so we doing over here over at the [ __ ] Home Depot. No, but you fly a helicopter which is one of the most difficult pieces of Aeronautics to fly. I'D say: the space shuttle is a little more involved. Well, you're, never gon na get your hands on that. Thank God who wants a guy watch free shirts watch me wow, um, no they're. Shutting that whole program down you can get a space shuttle for like [ __, ] 30 grand on eBay wow. You know you got to replace the tiles, though, can I do something for you since you're a helicopter pilot - and this is this - is like a freebie. This is like a gift, since you fly a helicopter, okay, it's a semi-articulated main rotor, pulling a lot of power. So they need them, things are flapping. People in Santa Monica are complaining right now they have out there binoculars and they're, taking down your tail number and then they know who to complain to you're good bro, yeah Sikorsky. Oh, they all have a different sound. Do another. One that's the same. One he's coming back: he must need fuel. That'S the same! One he's going over the Hollywood Hills he's now in burbank's airspace he's coming back he's coming back. They didn't let him in the airspace, sir, get out of your car. That'S a police! Chopper bro, I don't know about that from what the 1960s yes, one, two one and two one together, we can do one together, bro a slurp, oh a slurp. I thought you meant imitate helicopter. Oh, do you want to do helicopters together? So it's all right. Okay, ready go or yours sounds like an old lady stuttering, though, why? Why can't it be an old man? It'S got all that bass in her voice. Really that sounds like an old lady she's, an old trans. Oh yes, she is she's got a. She has her own TV series coming out in Regina and what it's called where's. My vagina, oh where's, my vagina vagina in Regina the story of person transitioning from a woman to a man and it's Progressive because it's Canada and you guys are the best white people. You know you feel it wait. Really. You Think You Are wait. The best white people are maybe I would say, Iceland, yeah Icelandic, why see back to Iceland again right into your Fjord eyes, because they don't want credit? What explained they're not looking for credit they're. Just up there they're doing the right thing: they stood up to the [ __ ] Banks, they back Metallica and their position on Napster the entire nation, because they did they were the first. Why do you think Lars always goes there to vacation because he just likes walking down the street and they go hey Lois you're right about that one. You want to see a volcano um, but what about Canadians? Why are Canadians good white people? That'S an interesting statement. Oh they're, not they just now they're, not, they think they think they are. What makes a good white person, though guy having land in the 17 and 1800s that could be farmed out using slaves, and you don't, and instead you use Irish indentured servants to watch them. Turn red in the sun: that's what is that one! In the same thing, though, that was what good white people did in the 17 1800s and you can look that up, but in the end, isn't that just the abuse of a human being, regardless of the scan? It'S documented right, but does that make it right or does that make it white I'd be a good hook? If we were songwriters, you could write that song for shower Crow, oh Sheryl, Crow again, a weird last name can't I just call her Cheryl. Ah, because I'm calling you Bill cold, I mean these last names guy they get to you, hey Cheryl, ah, no! No! No! No! My kid is totally into uh that movie Cars, The Animated one yeah. So I listened to that Sheryl Crow song, which one starts the movie, the car's number one. Oh, the one that one uh uh, I'm American-made Chevrolet I was born in the South. I got a big mouth. If I see something I got ta say something like. Oh, she goes, I got ta say it. What was that? That'S that's the voice that makes my daughter laugh every day when I drive her to school. I listen to that song when that part comes on. I turn around ignore the traffic and I go. I got ta say it and she cracks up every time. What and I'm a comedian. That'S how I connect with people. So I do it every time. I'Ve never heard you do that voice before it's almost as good as my helicopter, I got ta say it that Sheryl Crow in a helicopter Cheryl who in a helicopter I think we unpacked it all. No, I like I like when you hang in the silence. I can't hang the silence much longer how much longer listen. I didn't tell you this. I wasn't gon na tell you I'm sick. What I'm sick and the doctor said. I only have to 3 30 to leave. So this is my final performance all right. Well, I think you have I I would get the smoke machine going because it's gon na get angry. Is this an angry ending? I hope I don't feel like that seems soothing to me. Oh really, yeah!