I'M Not Oklets Talk While I Fix My Hair.
- Posted on 12 March, 2020
- Trending
- By Anonymous
#imnotok #dyingmyhair #transformation
Stuff is getting real and HEAVY. Letting you know what's been happening in my life recently while fixing the hot mess that is my hair!
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Hey my moves. Welcome back to my channel today, I'm doing a different video, it's probably gon na be a long one and it's gon na have a lot gum within it. It'S not your standard kind of tutorial like I've done before. I just wanted to talk to you guys. I wanted to update you with what's happening in my life and get real and talk about some real issues. That'S been going on and just everything really cuz been going through a really hard time and haven't been coping. The best so instead of me just sitting here in front of the camera and talking, I thought, I'd just color my hair. At the same time, because I mean it means it doesn't because it's so gross at the moment. So this is my favorite out color from my last kind of rainbow hair. I did so one of the girls at work dude. I should say so. There is still a bit of this kind of faded, pinky burgundy rosy hues in there, which I do really like. So I'm going to do ritual, which I have done before from arctic fox fox. These products have been sent to me from utopia and I do have a discount code for you guys Jade mattered. 10. I think I have it linked below, so I may regress. I'M going to do straight ritual from arctic fox and then on my medicine ends, I'm going to do a diluted version, so this is basically a whole bottle of the big arctic fox de luna, and probably about 15 grams of rich or so yes, also Hazel's asleep. At the moment - and I do have my aircon anguses friggin hot - but let's just get into it - there's gon na be some truth or warnings just let these night recently. Always that sure, if I was gon na, do my rebirth, but then I was like screw up just do it so because my natural hair is a fair bit lighter in these front portions. I'M gon na not do the regrowth as far down in those sections. It'S gon na be actually harder than I thought like talking. While doing all this doc come and say what I'm doing. Why do you have a great idea to talk about? We were full-on, stop doing yeah, I'm also I've shampooed my hand, no conditioner and, as you guys can see, it has dried a fair bit. So that is usually how I like to prep my hair. When doing these kind of colors, I feel like the last few years have been pretty kind of full-on for our little family and if you guys watch my channel, which I mean hi, if you're me and welcome yeah. But you guys don't really know if they do know that already and I've already done some videos kind of documenting some stuff. That'S happened in a life, so almost two years ago hobby almost died from encephalitis. Just out of the blue got struck with it and I think I feel like since then we haven't had much of a break hobbies always struggled with or lived with. I should say anxiety and depression and I feel like I personally have never experienced it until recently and I always had like the partners perspective of what it's like and I'm knowing how debilitating it is and just how awful it is to live with, but never have. I actually experienced it kind of firsthand, so, as most of you may know, we went through a miscarriage last year and it was awful and you know I still feel like. Even now, it was up to pray about now we're almost into fed, and it's still something that you know we're struggling with, and I think it's something that you kind of struggle with for the rest of your life and never really truly goes away, and that's. Okay, just because it's not much you can really do about, it is just it is what it is. I mean as hard as it was. I talked about it and I did videos on it and all video, I guess on it and I'm glad I did because it's so much more common than what you realize, and so many women and even many partners are in the same boat and it's brutal. And it's heartbreaking and I don't wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it's funny because since then I feel like the loss and just that feeling that never really goes away. But I feel like it has morphed or manifested into something completely different. Something that I never thought would happen, and that is what I've been going through the last few months and it has been awful and again. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. So I'm gon na get completely real and honest and, like I said, there's trigger warnings in this so be prepared. But basically what happened? It'S been a fair few months after the miscarriage, and I thought that you know not that I dealt with it because you don't really but like. I thought that you know the worst was kind of behind us or we could move forwards and obviously not forget, but that part of a life was over in a way and what had happened is all the sudden. I started having these fears and these anxieties that something was going to happen to hazel who's. My daughter, if you guys don't know, and they just come out of the blue and it started just of you - know little little things like just little little. Things like she might get her to take Carole what if she falls off the trampoline you know just so. You know those little kind of anxieties which I think most parents have and when hazel was a newborn. I definitely had those as well like I used to freak out that she died in her sleep or something like that. Like it's morbid, I'm not gon na lie, but I hadn't had anything like that and it seemed like it was okay at first cuz I was only just really randomly very rarely. I would have these kind of thoughts and then eventually I was tired without me. Even realizing these thoughts became more and more frequent, more and more intense, more and more realistic and gruesome and debilitating, and almost to the point where I was having these thoughts that something was going to happen to hazel pretty much every hour of the day. Every single day I would wake up from nightmares. I would fall asleep, crying I'd, wake up to fresh thoughts. I have a thought halfway through doing someone's hair and have to try and get to my phone to contact someone to see if hazel was okay and it really started just being debilitating. Being to the point where I couldn't function some days where I would just randomly burst into tears for no particular reason - and I was like what the hell what is going on - and it wasn't just the thought of something happening to her - it was like the whole. I picture the whole scenario and when I say it was like a maybe it was vivid real. I feel like I'm an empath already, so I could just be in that situation and I just it was hard to snap out of it and it was never. Let me just clarify, never me doing anything to hazel or anything like that. It was always usually stuff out of that control. Like a ball read onto the road and she went to go and get it anybody back up and just it was horrific, basically West's than any gory horror. Maybe you have ever seen in your entire life, and I was still in shock that my mind can come up with things like that, and it would hit me at that. As I said, the most randomest moments out of the blue and completely debilitating me. I had another one, for example, just to show you guys that extent all right, so that's my back room, stone kind of I hope it's probably messy baby, because I have another vision. I guess that so back story. I work Thursday nights. Lee comes home from work early and finishes working from home for the rest of that day, so you can watch hazel. So Lee dropped me off at work. He was very busy this day and drop me off at work had hazel with him in the car and yeah. As I said, he was really busy with work, so he was keen to get home and just keep getting his work done, and I just randomly had this thought that, oh my god, what if Lee is so busy with work that he forgot he had hazel with Him and she's in the car and she dies, but it didn't end there and went to an extent of our neighbors. This is true: our neighbors have security cameras around their yard and one of the cameras faces our driveway. So in this thought or vision or whatever. I went to the extent of me going to the neighbors asking to see the footage and basically what Ching hazel died on their camera and oh holy Shh like, and this wasn't a once occurring thing. These thoughts, as I said, were every our different thoughts. I don't know how some will reoccur, but it was that that kind of thing like and then I started getting anxious. If I had to drop my daughter off at my sister-in-law's. I'Ve kept anxious because they've got a pool and I'm like what. If she manages to get out and gets into their pool and she drowns and then I could picture her finding her and trying to call me - and it was just horrific - and I spoke up about it Tilly, it did take me a while and it's definitely something I was scared to talk to him about, because, obviously scared of feeling crazy scared. They won't understand scared that that people might think I'm a bad mother or I'm not fit, and even talking about it here on YouTube. Everyone, of course, there's going to be people saying that, but hey go somewhere else, Sharon, because I know I'm not alone, and I know a lot of people would do go through this as well. So I went to my doctor's just my normal GP and said: hey like I'm. I haven't really been creepin that well. I want to get a mental health care plan and she was lovely and she said, cool no problem. She said what we'll do as well as we'll do a blood test and just make sure like we're levels, all right and everything is all oh sweet and we'll get the mental health care plan sorted, and I think I've filled out like one of those little kind Of questionnaire things online like how often have you felt this way in the last week, and how often have you felt that way in the last week just going to get more offers before I went to my first session. I'Ve only had one session and it eased through a private clinic, and I you can probably get free sessions which we might look into cuz. I heard a door shut and I'm home alone with hazel. It'S not nice. To be sorry, I'm like me, thank you, big cooing, happy good job. Let'S change about and get you back crisis resolved and yeah. I was with the privates facility, so it was expensive. I say he can't put a price on my health, but then some things are just a bit crazy. So was $ 170 for one a law and we did get a few hundred twenty back, which was actually really good, and it was actually really nice to talk to someone. I had to get her a pharaoh. Obviously - and I was with a lady which was really good on there - a thorough it's a miscarriage, so maybe that's why they put me with the lady doctor and we basically I've talked I've, never really done a therapy session before so I didn't know what to expect, But she basically said you know just tell me what's going on and I started saying you know basically why one here and I said I had a miscarriage and then these thoughts and she's like okay and then you know we start exploring like do you feel anxious In other times, or you know, and just talking about family and all that kind of just and at the end of the session she said all right, so I do have a diagnosis. I was like, Oh Cole. She said what you've got is actually really really common. So many people go through so many new mothers go through it. Even some others have the thought of you know what, if I drop my baby in the bath or what, if I do this to my baby - and she said even that is still quite normal. In most cases, it is a just an anxiety disorder. She said that, because mine is that a little bit more intense and I am having those kind of intrusive thoughts. She said it is actually a form of OCD and I was like wow, that's insane like. I have not had no idea like I didn't know it would be like some type of PTSD or I don't know, but yeah OCD. It'S like holy crap Wow and she said not so much the compulsive side of things, because I think most people when they see OCD, they think people who watch the hands all the time or people who are super clean or even it just gets thrown around people. Saying, oh, I might CD or they just don't CD and it's like actually no exceed. It is awful. She said my my form in a way is more on the obsessive side of things like those obsessive thoughts, the obsessive, intrusive thoughts that you've just got no control over. Basically, I don't do anything to like. I know some people with OCD do things because they think if they don't something bad is going to happen. So I don't have anything like that, like I don't do any ritual kind of things. Nothing like that, like I did, have a little saying, even when I was pregnant with hazel, I would kind of say a healthy, happy baby healthy, happy baby. Just if I was worried that something was wrong more, you know, and I was trying to say that like healthy, happy hazel, but it wasn't that it wasn't cutting it, so she said yeah form of OCD and she said it's good we've caught it early. Some people can go 20 30 years and still be dealing with it, and I think if I did obviously wait that long, it would have manifested into something else into me having to do certain rituals, maybe to like prevent something from happening or other loan. But I feel like already as it is. I couldn't imagine living with something like that for another 30. Yes God so she said there is some options. She said, I recommend we do some CBT training, some mindfulness and we can even look at some medication down the track if that may help. So that was pretty much where this session ended and I haven't been able to get in for and it's in April yeah. So I haven't really really given any techniques on on CBT like I'm. Will I do that my next session, like up there's a lot of still kind of unanswered questions and stuff? I don't know so I yes feel better for talking, but then at the same time I don't really have any kind of coping mechanisms or strategies yet, and so that has been challenging but yeah I'm doing okay, but things have just been yeah full on and on Top of that, I'm not gon na go into too much detail, but had a big fight with family, so my mum did come down and, yes, I did kind of go off my mum as well, and once I finally, you know, talked again and explained two things: She was, I had an, she was on like the next slide down, which we're so grateful and she stayed with us for about a week, and it was amazing having her here and yeah. She looked after hazel and she did some housework and stuff, but we also just caught up and talked and spent time, and that was really really good. It was. It was really nice and I was so grateful that she managed to just drop everything and come down because I've got a brother and sister and she does work and she's married where we sleep to my dad of him like just go busy life. So I know it wasn't easy for her we're, so grateful lanes been struggling. It'S just been hard. I think I feel, like always wildly has you know, struggled with mental health. I'Ve always been the strong one. I'Ve always had to be the ones to pick up the pieces and to be the rock and you know, do stuff when he put in and he's been struggling and then I've been struggling and that's where things have been coming really hard, not just like day-to-day living. But, like you know, your relationship and tensions are high and trying to be a parent at the same time and it's hard and on top of everything else. Oh god, you guys system here Hey. So, on top of ever all of that how I've been feeling haoles been feeling, I have just found out that I'm pregnant sorry. That was terrifying because obviously extremely happy extremely grateful. I kind of felt like we'd, never get another chance. I kind of felt like that was it was done, and that was it. You know anyone that doesn't know our kind of story for some context. I have some videos linked below, but sausage. It took us five years to get hazel like we didn't, think we'd be able to have kids, and then it was another. Two years before I got pregnant with last little Bubba, we would call on top, and then I miscarried and now pregnant, and I found that when Mum was down - and I guess that does explain why I've been feeling kind of all over the place and emotional and Crazy, I'm just urine so that does explain things to a certain extent. When I found out, I cried and I went in totally and he cried and basically - and he said I can't I just I can't go through it again. If something happens you know, and I'm constantly now thinking is everything going to be? Okay, I'm so grateful and so happy. But then I don't want to get excited. I don't want that crushing awfulness if something goes wrong and it's weird, I feel like I'm kind of in limbo, not able to celebrate or not even wanting to look at baby stuff in case it jinxes Nene or I don't know so. I am currently nine weeks, which is basically where I was when I miscarried last time, even though Hunter was only major in kind of five weeks, but we still saw heartbeat and everything like that. So this baby, I have a scan at 7:00 and I'm gon na have one again on Thursday just kind of a peace of mind. So I'm just waiting and hoping that when I go in I'm gon na say everything's gon na be okay and yeah. So I I know, I'm I'm telling you guys this early, I'm probably by the time this video goes up, I would be further along, would be miscarried. Last time I was planning on like breaking that taboo and announcing the pregnancy early regardless if it turned out. Okay, like my last pregnancy, but the miscarriage happened before I put in the opposite, but I wanted to do that because even if the miscarriage did happen, I didn't want to go through it alone and I didn't want to sit through in silence and stuff on when It'S pretty much one in four, even one in three women will go through some sort of infant loss, some stage in their life, and I don't think anyone should have to suffer new silence. So yeah that is what's been happening. Full-On I've been off social media. A lot I haven't been posting, I haven't been filming like this - is the first video I filmed in quite a while, and I just haven't felt like it. I feel like I feel pride myself and having a tentative YouTube channel one by authentic Instagram and stuff. As much as I can and to me sitting there, a posting like a happy photo or trying to think of a body positivity capture more, you know doing those kind of things when I just felt so lost, didn't, feel right, and I just I couldn't bring myself To work in a way, so that's why I haven't been posting much and I know so many of my Instagram followers, a big messaging me like a you, okay, I haven't seen you in a while, I hope, everything's, okay and I'm so grateful, and I have the Best followers in the world. I don't even like to call you followers you're, like my friends, I wanted to do this video because I haven't really touched base with you guys, yeah I've talked about this a bit on my Instagram. Obviously, no long Instagram knows I'm pregnant. Yet we're doing a family photo shoot soon because we actually have no family photos. So I might see if I can get like a little announcement photo or something to do the announcement, and that will all be 10 weeks by then so as soon as that photo is ready, I'll just posted and let you guys know, even though it's not at That 12-week mark but yeah, I'm just, I feel anxious and yeah. I basically feel like I'm in limbo, like I don't know, what's going on, I'm trying not to think about it too much, because I don't want to get my hopes up this past week. I'Ve been really sick as well, which I guess is a really good good pregnancy symptoms, but I've been sick in this last week and I have my entire pregnancy with hazel. But now I feel really good today and then my mind I stopped thinking is that my pregnancy symptoms going away something wrong so yeah, it's some time just to stay positive. I started filming pregnancy updates. Oh hazel, still awake Hazel's been going through stages, if not wanting to sleep, which is been hard, especially on days when I have been exhausted, and I wanted to try and get a sleep during the day, all right, so I'm just gon na get a brush and Brush through all of this, I'm gon na leave this on to process for an hour, or so like I like to leave these colors on for a while, but really sink in there. So I'm just gon na make sure that all of this is looking all even and covered and I'll see you guys, like -- have rainbows. So here we have the finished result. I actually really liked it. I wasn't sure, like you know, I've been this color before, but this is a diluted version and I wasn't sure if I'd like it, but I like it now - you know obviously makeup and brush in my ear and all that jazz, so yeah pretty happy with how The color turned out, and obviously the more you dilute this. It can become a really really soft, dusty movie kind of pink, so we'll see how this fades, but it's nice for something a bit different and definitely like those darker eats just gives that a little bit more depth and a little bit more to mention in there. As well, which is good, so I just wanted to say thank you guys for watching and shilling in. I know we covered some kind of heavy topics, but I wanted to just tell you what's been going on in my life update you guys, I'm pregnant. It'S just wow like Wow anyway. Thank you guys for watching. I love you all and I'll see you guys in my next video
Comments
Louisa Coote: Crossing everything for you, for your and Lee’s mental health, a happy, healthy Hazel and a smooth pregnancy for this rainbow baby . Thank you for being so brave and sharing your life and struggles with us.
Kylie Rowland: Jade, u are such a trooper, I can only imagine how hard this has been... I miscarried my first pregnancy, then was absolutely petrified with my 2nd. Was really good after 12 weeks up till about 7months, then petrified again till baby was born and I knew all was OK. I'm telling u this not to scare you but to prepare u for what could happen... I am praying for you and your family, I believe you have all been given this gift at this time for a reason and I look forward to watching ur journey... Much love to you and your family x. And ur hair looks gorgeous
Sarah Florey: Wow. I hope that one day sharing a journey like yours is more commonplace and mental health isn’t so scary to talk about. I don’t often comment but I do watch all your videos.
Denise Bennett: So good you're getting help and having a professional to talk to. Friends are great but sometimes you need a professionals experience. Grief has many manifestations. Congratulations on your pregnancy. All love to your family.
Annie Jones: Congratulations! So happy for you, I had two consecutive miscarriages before I had my rainbow Phoebe she's currently 3 weeks old. I know it's hard but try and relax and enjoy this pregnancy as much as you can ❤
Imogen Park: You're not alone. Praying that the next few months are healthy and healing for you all and you get your rainbow baby
Oh Sweet: Thank you. I needed this video. Wow for so long I just felt I was being silly. My anxiety is 100% like yours with my youngest. It will make me ill and feel crazy for all the worrying I get about it. Everything is a potential for harm to him. Thank you again for speaking about this and how you are dealing with it.
Empathetically Me: :'( I pray for you, I'm bawling my eyes out. I've suffered the same then found out that if I tried again, I would die if I went to full term. Thank you for being vocal, this really shall help more people then you could ever know. <3 Thank you.
Erica Leece: Hi Jade, thank you so much for sharing your feelings with us. I can’t find the words to express how much a video this honest and real means to me. I’m glad that you are talking about your struggles to people in your life and getting help, that is absolutely the best thing you could do. I know it sounds cliche, but this time will pass and you will be happy again. Congratulations on your pregnancy, your babies are lucky to have parents like you. I know it’s scary, hang in there babe. Reach out if you need support, there are so many people out there who do really care. Sending love xxx
Angie Kaminsky: Congratulations on your pregnancy, Mama! I'm 33 weeks with my first baby and I've struggled with anxiety and depression for many years, so I can empathize. I'm a firm believer in all things happening for a reason - it helps me cope. I wish you and your family nothing but the best of blessings! Everything's going to be alright. ❤
Keela Fox: Oh, Jade! I am so sorry you've been through so much. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I about fell off of my chair when you said you are pregnant again. I am so happy for you and will be praying for you and your whole family. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. <3
bythebrink: Congrats lovely humans! So happy for you and your family And thank you for sharing about your mental health. I feel like naturally I lean towards control based anxiety and I'm hoping that when I have a baby is not just amplified, but knowing that were not alone in our struggles is so important and I appreciate how honest you are
Carolyn Weston: Omg you made me cry!! That’s such awesome news and I can’t wait to watch this new journey you and your family are on ❤️
Louise Wright: Congratulations hun, thank you for sharing what's going on in your life I hope everything goes well for you, it's such a big step getting help, I'm in the process of trying to but I just cannot face it xx
Krissy Papprill: OMG your pregnant ♥️ I am sending you all the love as prays, I know it might be hard but please find little things in the day to be excited about this pregnancy as you and Lee...and hazel all deserve this. We're (your supporters) are here for you x
Xbehindblueeyesx: You look beautiful! You’re not alone or crazy. I have been through that as well and it takes time to get through and bounce back but you will and you are an amazing mother!!!!
Shanie: Congratulations Jade, Lee and Hazel. Exciting news for you all. Really hope you are feeling better both physically and mentally soon. I can't imagine how you feel but think it must be hard feeling happy and sad at the same time. I think we all go through times when our mental health is not good and really need help and to talk to someone who is experienced and qualified. It's a huge relief to know you are not alone. If you feel that it is too long between appointments let you health provider know and they may be able to come up with an alternative person or arrange an earlier date for you. If you go to your doctor you can apply for a mental health care plan, where you are entitled to free consultations, I think up to 10 and this can be extended. You just need to pay for the initial consultation. Good luck to you, your hair looks gorgeous too, thanks for being so open with your experiences, I'm sure it helps lots of people. Take care. xxx
Tara D: Hey Jade, I get intrusive thoughts too from OCD, and I feel you and understand how shocking and debilitating they are. Just remember, the reason your brain is focused on them is because it knows that it's not a thought you want. Stupid brains, getting stuck on things like a glitch :( I'll be thinking of you, take care, and congratulations :)
Mellie Mellie: Beautiful Jade, thank you for sharing your journey, complete with its struggles. When you miscarried, I watched your entire video even though it was hard - I wanted to have a better understanding of the experience so that I could support those I knew who experienced it. I didn’t realize I would draw on your video myself, as I have just lost our second baby too. This video addresses many concerns that I have about becoming pregnant again and I thank you for normalizing it. I’m sorry for the struggles you are facing & I’m sending you strength and love through this time x
Mer Girl: First, CONGRATULATIONS! Second, I was awake at 3 am with my 3 year old next to me when I saw your photoshoot post on FB, and literally started to bawl. I am right there with you, praying and hopeful. <3 Third, those intrusive thoughts are insane to deal with, I've had them since my little one was born, and it's mad what your own mind can come up with. Glad you chose therapy, because we as mothers need to have someone to talk to. and lastly, I thought about you a few days ago and randomly thought "i think she is pregnant" and BOOM, there was the post last night. You are an incredibly strong and amazing woman, mother, wife, and all around bad ass, but you are also human, so remember to give yourself some grace when it comes to feelings and anxieties, etc, because we all get overwhelmed, you need to allow yourself a chance to breathe. <3 Hugs to all of you!!!!!!! PS: you are one of my absolute favorite people on YouTube, and in life. I wish I lived in Australia so I could get to meet you.
Kim Radomsky: I’m glad you’re hanging in there and have found somewhere that you can get help ... you (and Lee & Hazel) deserve some better times ahead ... keep working on your therapy and congratulations on your new pregnancy - I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you ... one more thing ... I love your hair colour!
Nicole Fraser: Awww Jade, beautiful lady I’m so sorry you’re struggling. Thank you for sharing, and trying to make this normal. I hope you’re able to get back to your therapist soon. I have been seeing one for 5 years and CBT does work for me. He said to me once that when something bad happens (which I have had happen ... mainly a trauma is how he refers to it) I will always go straight to imagining bad things happening or worrying. This is why sharing experiences is so important. We always think we are alone and more often than not we aren’t. Sending lots of love and positive light your way
Addien Mitchell: I’m so proud of you
bambilanz: Sending you well wishes, love and positivity. Please keep up with your therapy, it helps. And as hard as it is you have to take it one day at a time, literally. You do your best everyday for that day try not to think about yesterday or tomorrow just today, it helps so much. Again sending well wishes to you and all your family. Stay strong , one day at a time, or hour by hour or minute by minute. You are strong and powerful you will make it through to the rainbow ❤
MsPomeranianlover: Your hair came out gorgeous!!! It looks amazing on you! Rock it girl!!
Amee Boyce: First of all CONGRATULATIONS!!! this is wonderful news, so happy for you all. Second I LOVE your hair and third you look fucking amazing. Big huge hugs and love xxx
Westernstarprincess865: Its literally so awesome that you call us all "rainbows" and now youre getting a rainbow baby. So happy for you
Haley Brianna: Aww congrats and praying this baby sticks!!! Also love the hair ❤️
Tiffany Marentette: Congratulations on the new baby!! You are so strong! ❤️ Sending you positive vibes and strength ❤️ praying you and Lee's mental healths stay as positive as you can be! Your subscribers are always here! Your friends and family are always there!
Rebecca Wood: That colour is beautiful! Super congratulations to you all on your pregnancy! I also suffer with a similar kind of anxiety/OCD, it’s a terrible thing to go through.
Ellie Dear: Oh, Jade. I can so relate to that level of anxiety around something happening to my kids. Anytime my kids arent within my line of vision I am envisioning finding them dead in some gruesome way. I'm managing my anxiety with the help if doctors and my therapist, but it is still such a struggle. Sending you so much love.
Lisa& baby Keenan Finn: Sending you love and prayers, love your hair and makeup congrats on the pregnancy and may everything be amazing like you.
Arabeth Lindberg: Thank You Jade For Keeping Us Updated And For Always Keeping Things Real.. Much Love And Respect..
RubyRedRockerGirl: We were in a horrendous car accident when my daughter was 5 months. We were all ok, thank goodness, but I've suffered from the same debilitating thoughts ever since. I've managed to keep them under control but I still feel, under the surface of my everyday life and portraying I'm ok, so completely helpless and alone and depressed and, to be honest, crazy. I know how you feel. I don't know if it'll ever go away. Lots of love to you all.
Jacqueline: As soon as I heard you are pregnant I had to type this... First of all CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You are strong and can do this. Look at pictures of baby stuff .. this is exciting! (this is something i would like some one to say to me if i ever got pregnant again) Don't worry, leave all your worries to God. I will be praying for you and your family. Much love from your friend on the other side of the world.
Renae O: Bless you Jade! Congratulations sweet, you deserve all the happiness. I too experienced these thoughts after having my rainbow baby over a year ago, it can be a scary and lonely time. Be kind to yourself and try and enjoy your pregnancy now and stick with your treatment. I’m glad you feel you can open up and share your experiences with us, I hope it brings you some solace. So much love for you! Xx
NanaBeccy: Congratulations beautiful. I have all my fingers and toes crossed for a trouble free pregnancy. Keep doing whatever you need to do for you and your family. We can wait for updates. Now! I have to know. What pallet was that you used on your eyes? Was it Blood Lust?
Claire Dearlove: Jade you are such a strong and beautiful person... I'm wishing you and your family all the best of times for the future xx
Angie Pants: Your hair looks great and all the power to you girl, you got this and congrats proud of you for being open and getting help your amazing
Jess Cartwright: Hi Jade! I just wanted to pop on here and tell you how strong you are girl! My partner has “Pure O” which is intrusive thoughts but of him doing something to our kids and I just wanted to let you know that he is the BEST dad. And it does get better! I am hoping that this pregnancy is kind to you and you get a cut bundle of Joy at the end xoxoxoxox
Emma Marier: Glad you caught it early. I am one of those who waited the 25 years and it only gets worse. Cbt is good, mindfulness too. You can look into the "365" breathing technique if you need it before your next appointment. It's very simple and works well. If you feel like you need to, dont be afraid to consider medication. For the literal longest time I thought I could handle it myself. I was wrong. Medication was a life saver for me.
Alison hunter: Oh my gosh I'm beyond happy for u been following u of ages and I truly love ur videos cos I feel like I'm not so alone when I have my bad days (mental health issues sucks ) . I hope u are all so well and baby is growing strong come on little u are so loved by not only ur fam but by the youtube fam x you are never alone jade we are here for u like ur here for us
Rashel Berube: First of all congradulations on the pregnancy. They're always scary and come with some level of uncertainty. You will get through this. I have never had a loss like that so I could never even begin to imagine what that's like. I'm so so sorry. That being said I do have those same thoughts about both of my kids. I have thoughts about them becoming ill in a way that mommy kisses and snuggles can't help. I know that feeling of fear and hopelessness and CONSTANT worry. You are not alone. And you are doing so great as a mother. You deserve this little rainbow baby and this baby deserves you. Sending every ounce of positive vibes your way ♡
Anne Elias: Much love to you and your little family Jade. You are a wonderful, beautiful woman, mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend.
Margaret Hollins: Congrats on your pregnancy!! Stick little one! Your hair is gorgeous! You are so brave to put yourself out there but you have always done that! I have been following you since before you had Hazel and live in our beautiful state of WA! ❤️❤️
Jessica Hudswell: Hi Jade, I’ve never commented on your videos before (sorry for stalking hahah but I needed to say thank you. Thank you for being so honest and real. Everyone’s situ is different, but you have no idea how much your video impacted me, even though I don’t know what it’s like to have been going through exactly what you have. I’ve struggled with an anxiety disorder for the first time in my life (I’m 38) recently and I’ve always prided myself on being the resilient one... you hit home with me today. So thank you. I’m wishing your baby all the strength and contentment it needs to stay warm and cosy in your belly... it’s a blessing to have such good news. Maybe the universe thinks you’ve worked hard enough for now and you can have a big serving of happiness and relief
Jane Keenie: So happy about your news, sending love!
EggZackery: Oh Jade that is so full on, so hard to experience those thoughts and try to understand why on Earth your brain would imagine those things. I feel you about all those fears, shame, struggles. I’m so glad that you reached out for help ♥️
April Maree: You are amazing and beautiful inside and out! You are so strong and an inspiration to us all. I am so glad you are pregnant and sending all the positive loving vibes your way. Congratulations!!! Also I love your hair
Martina Kresova: Hope everything goes good for you and you baby!!! ❤️
JetmechGirl: I’m so sorry you went through that. I was pregnant with twins and miscarried one. I was afraid through out the rest of my pregnancy. It’s been 17 years now, and I think about the twin almost everyday and still am over protective of my son. You never get over it, it just becomes something you live with.
Rhiannon Teeluck: You are an amazing, beautiful and strong woman and I couldn't be happier for you on your pregnancy. Thanks so much for always being so real xxx
Amy Hatto: Oh Jade!! I completely missed the baby announcement on your Instagram! So much love and best wishes to you and your family ❤️
Laura Stanton: Love how your hair turned out also sending you all my love
Dee Dee: Wishing you and your family all the best Jade. You've done a very wonderful thing to open up about how you are feeling. By having this conversation you will most definitely help others not feel alone if they are going through the same thing.
samanthaalynn27: I’m glad you are no longer suffering alone I hope you are able to enjoy your pregnancy at some points, but I know it’s going to be so scary and stressful I hope that in sharing this you feel less alone and find this as a tribute to honor your lost one in the excitement and joy in your current pregnancy!
average aussie legend: Love light and happiness to you and your family no matter what!
Everythingelijah: I read the comments before your announcement. I'm so happy for you I hope you can enjoy it and not be worrying the whole time. I can totally relate to how you have been feeling I had bad postnatal depression and obsessive thoughts which I take medication for. Much love to you Lee and Hazel xx
valkyreve: Awww Jade... So sorry to hear about everything you're coping with. Great news though on the new pregnancy so keep your chin up hey? The new baby is happening now and it's perfect! And OMG! I love love the hair colour. Beautiful! Look to the future gorgeous! :)
The Joddy Journal: Oh Jade, I 100% understand how you feel. My husband and I had two rainbow babies before our current baby (we are nearly 12 weeks pregnant at the moment), but you do feel so happy but at the same time scared. I have everything crossed for you❤️
Mum•of•Girls: Sending lots of sticky dust your way . I think most mums have thoughts like you too. You aren't alone. Us mums have to stick together xo
Kari H.: This video is amazing in so many ways ... i understand 100 % exactly what youre going thru with the OCD ... its very bizarre ... im so happy you are honest and its putting it out there for all the women out there suffering in silence ... ♡ im such a supporter of you in every way... and im so happy for your new journy .
JULIA WATSON: You are the most amazing inspirational woman on YouTube. You rock in my eyes . I have the greatest respect for you, you keep being you.
Emma Louise: Sending you all the love and luck in the world ❤️ love the hair colour too!
Rachie: I’m so proud that you are talking about this. You are such a strong soul and I’m sending all you the love ❤️❤️
Cate Coom: I’m that wife that has to hold it together for the sake of her husband’s anxiety. Over the years I’ve come to realise that you never fully recover from mental health “issues” you simply find a new way to cope. All my love & excitement to you, Lee and little Hazel
Maren Richter: I wish you all the best for the pregnancy! Going through some mental health issues myself. I'm waiting for my therapy to begin at the moment. In germany you have to wait very long to get into therapy. I hope you will be better soon!
Sue Johnson: We rainbows love you right back sending you, lee and hazel huge hugs and positive vibes
Paris H: Goodluck & congratulations thank you for opening up!
Lady Schide: I will light a candle for you and your family! Sending positive energy your way!
Wee Sue: Fab video! You are such a star Jade. I totally understand what you are going through, after losing our son 6 years ago next week I have been struggling with fears of bad things happening to my daughters too! It's a difficult time especially with your news, I am so happy for you all and truly hope everything goes well for you all. You really do deserve it, you are a beautiful, strong and awesome lady! Loving the hair too! X
dannywell87: Congratulations to you guys. I hope you get the help you need soon. Your family will be in my thoughts.
Ally: I understand completely. My first ever pregnancy, I was 6.5 weeks pregnant when I miscarried. I was 23 yrs old, and I had no idea that miscarriages were so normal. I didn't have a second thought to telling my whole family, talking names and getting all excited. That miscarriage turned into a haemorrhage, emergency hospital visit and my first ever surgery for a D&C. It took years to get over that. When we had our first baby girl 7 years ago (4 years after the miscarriage), our pregnancy was super super normal, no issues, nothing. Cruisey as possible. I was so thankful. So, when I heard you'd miscarriaged, I had just found out that my new pregnancy was having issues and my chances of miscarriage had been increased due to an issue with blood pooling in the wrong place. Seeing you go through my ultimate fear while I was having cramping and spotting, I felt less alone. I think in a way, you got me through it. We didn't miscarriage, I'm currently 27 weeks and counting. I have been freaking out over every pain, every cramp, every time I had spotting (which is apparently normal, crazy). But I felt almost guilty that we were fine, knowing others; including you; didn't get this far. I understand that fear to feel excited, I didn't buy anything until 12 weeks. I'm 27 weeks and I have brought 3 pieces of clothing... total. Our baby is a impressive kicker, as much as she hurts the crap out of me, every time she kicks I know she's safe. This fear, I totally totally get it. I can't say if it'll get better for you, it's decreased slightly for me, but it's not gone. I'm hoping you'll have less issues than I have, so less things to confirm your fears. But I just kept telling myself, "she's safe today". I got extra ultrasounds too, just so I could know she was safe. I know you don't know me but I get you. On this subject, I totally get it. But it's possible to come from a miscarriage and then have the most easiest pregnancy, I'm proof of that with my 7 year old. She's my rainbow baby. You'll get your rainbow baby too. You need to just keep counting up those milestones. 12 weeks(end of first trimester), 20 weeks (scans and bloods), 28 weeks (viable outside the womb), just keep checking off any milestones you can find. And maybe lots of begging baby to stick around (that's what I did). Congratulations and all the best for your journey. Much love from a long time subscriber. xoxo
mrdonniedoomsday3: You are such a strong woman/mother/wife! Sending the best of vibes and love your way ❤️
Saskia Sack: I send you and your family much love, healthy thoughts and strength! It will be good!!! <3
Mrs C Ball-Andrews: Huge congratulations so happy for you xxx
Michaela Rose: You're bravery is inspiring
krystal marks: The thoughts you have been having I have them alot to about all different things and it is scary I really hope everything turns out great for you for the rest of this year and congrats on ur pregnancy I had a miscarriage last week it was the hardest saddest thing iv ever been though all I do it think about the baby and I don't wanna talk about with people and I'm so over people asking if I'm ok
nastassha louw: Your amazing !!! I know how you feel I have been the same xx
Nicola Bennett: I went through missed miscarriage in December. I was 11 weeks but baby had died at 5 weeks. I’m pregnant again and my partner will not talk to me about it and is convinced it’s going to happen again and it’s so hard. I hope everything goes well for you ❤️
Buggy’s MomMom Tammy: I’ve been sitting here letting everything you have said sink in what I want to say and what I wish I could say neither feel right it’s like a tight rope act with no insurance and net. I’ve walked in your shoes maybe different color or size but definitely same style. I have felt so unbelievably blessed and at the same time waiting for my world to crumble. You want to be excited but at same time a whole new fear starts to take over you. Sorry to ramble but ty for reading. I have learned through therapy it’s ok to smile and enjoy bits and pieces of life and not to constantly go to worse case scenario I’m so use to doing. Smile again and the world won’t end . Thank you so much for sharing your life with us and ripping the bandaid off a very deep wound no ones wants to talk about but needs to heal. You have touched my life without ever meeting me. You are a wonderful mom, wife, and woman no matter how bad you may feel you still dig in and fight back everyday trying to be a better person today than you were yesterday !
Sandra Caitlyn: Oh jade, I wish I could jump through the screen and give you a cuddle. I wish I could tell you everything will be okay, this might not help your anxiety about it, but as I type this I'm nursing my rainbow baby girl. Going through her pregnancy wasn't easy at all. I didnt feel at peace until she was born. She's now a month old today! I wish you all nothing but the best and I can't wait to see pregnancy updates
Mandy Trout: So sorry hun that your having to deal with this. I know it won't make you feel better but all of this will make you stronger in the long run! I dealt with everything under the sun in my teens, 20s and 30s and finally in my 40s I feel I went through the things I did for a reason! I really hope these feeling subside soon I can't imagine having those feelings. You are amazing and brave to share all you do with us. There are always others dealing with similar things so it helps others to not feel alone. Praying for you that you'll get through this and your baby will be healthy and all will be ok
Sarah Larcombe: Thankyou so much for sharing. So many women go through things but it take a very special person to speak out! Congratulations on this pregnancy, I really hope that everything works out for you <3
Lisa Goodwin: Couldn't wish anything more for such a beautiful soul and lady. I loved your family pics.. hazel has blossomed into such a pretty little girl.. she got that from her mum xxx
FayFutura: It took me and my husband four years to get pregnant. I lost a baby and it broke me. I have ocd like yours anyway. The intrusive thoughts are disgusting and vivid. You almost feel guilty for them. So when I had the miscarriage it went mental. I now have a son who is incredible. The pregnancy was hard. I was constantly terrified that I’d loose him. I completely understand that when you have a miscarriage you think ‘I’ve dealt with it now’ and try and carry on but you don’t deal with it that easy but you feel you have to because it’s such a taboo subject! And it shouldn’t be! I’ve got everything crossed for you and the baby! X
Amy Simpson: I honestly love you and you deserve nothing but happiness for you all you are forever in my thoughts xoxo
Caitlin Clarke: You are not alone, I had/have crippling anxiety with my daughter. Always vivid images of her being run over, falling down the stairs.. the vision of her skull open. It’s horrid, it’s exhausting. I have little trust in even my own husband/family; who are capable of looking after her, but I just can’t let her go out of my care. I am glad I’m not the only one suffering. On a positive note, All the best with your pregnancy, lots of love to you and your family xx
Robin M: Congratulations and hang in there ❤
vyktorya: No one should ever suffer in silence. And congrats on your rainbow baby. I hope all goes well. I would love to see a navy blue look with this hair.
Stephanie Miles: Hi Jade, I had a miscarried, Aug 2018. Bub would of been 12 months old next week if we hadn’t lost it. Since then we have fallen pregnant and given birth to a beautiful boy but I still always think about the baby we lost. I completely feel what you are going through.
Jill Morris: Good luck, wishing you and your family the best❤️ You are so wise, I hope you get joy in your life xxj
chez: The exact same thing happened to me, my baby died in 2004, my daughter at 24 weeks of pregnancy, she was very ill and incompatible with life. My second daughter was born in 2006, I was an absolute mental case neurotic freak. I worried that she was going to die constantly, I got the same scenarios you did. I used to think she was in bed with us (when she was in her cot next to me) and I'd pick the covers up and rock them, talking to them, and it became so bad I'd do it multiple times a night and my husband one night got so annoyed he hit the covers and I started screaming. My daughter is 14 and I still don't let her out if KY sight, when she's walking to school I imagine all sorts of things happening to her, in primary I'd call the school constantly to check she was OK. I ended up having a year of counselling a few years ago which helped to a degree but it didn't go away completely. I even used to worry that I would hurt her somehow and not know id done it, like in my sleep. It's horrific. If you ever want someone to chat to let me know, my name is Cheryl, I'm from Scotland and have watched you for a long time. I really would love to chat to you and hopefully help in some way. Edit - I meant to say well done for speaking about it openly as its very difficult and you worry people will think you are nuts, it's frightening. You are amazing and you will get through this, it will get easier, I promise Edit again - I can point you in the direction of coping mechanisms etc just let me know if it's OK to email you or wherever I can contact you and I'll send the info on.
MLiss Inman: Congratulations and sending light and love your way
Dawn Polizzi: After I had my first child, everytime I would be driving I would have thoughts of skidding my car a certain way so that a post would hit my side and the baby would be ok. I was so confused because I was "happy" and I couldn't understand where these thoughts were coming from! I was so scared to go to get help for fear that my baby would get taken or that I was crazy. When I finally went to the doc she drilled it to me that I was normal and that I would be ok. Awe, mama! I wish you all the best and a happy healthy pregnancy. ❤ &
SK Studios Dream Believe Dance: Lots of love to you xx I miss my angel baby. I understand the dark cloud it’s been 8yrs now. I remember the worry with my rainbow baby. Deep breath. Lean on your supports. Day by day. Celebrate the small victories. And allow yourself to embrace the not so good days.
Lucia FP: Congratulations. You look beautiful. Wish you all the best of luck for your new baby.
LOU 77: Love u jade!!! Brightens my day when u upload!!! Xxx love wales in the uk xxx
Chrissy Hanson: Great big hugs for you, beautiful!
Davina McM: Hi Jade, ♂️over the moon for the news of your rainbow baby, Congrats to you, Lee and Hazel. Thanks for keeping your posts so real and honest, It is ok to be not ok. Couple of tools that helped me before your next counselling session 6-2-6 and 4-7-8 breathing techniques, EFT technique and I find Jason Stephenson on you tubes mindfulness, meditation take the edge off. Beautiful family photos. Big hugs, be kind and take care of yourself,you are amazing hun xox Davina